handy man

One fine day while working at the video store.
I had an arm full of DVD's, and was awkwardly working on filing them on a shelf with my other hand. Trying to separate an area on the shelf with two fingers, while attempting to stick the disc in the proper location and remove the empty box with the remaining fingers without forfeiting my grip on the stack of discs in my other arm.
Arrrg!
I got to thinking how much easier it would be if I had two hands at the end of each arm!
BRILLIANT!
Why hadn't the big "G" thought of this back at creation?
Just think of all the convinces that this would open up!
Here are a few that come to mind...

• Giving Your Cat a Bath
• Eating and Drinking While Driving
• Full Body Massages
• Carrying 6-packs of Beer
• Untangling Christmas Lights
• Showing Your "Horns" at a Rock Concert

And, best of all...

I Could Type With Four Fingers, Instead of Two!

Thank You, and Have a Weird Day!

DEAD HEAD

I woke up laying on my arm in such a way that I lost all feeling in it.
It was like it wasn't even attached.

Not that tingley kind of asleep, either.

Pure Dead Weight!

When I tried to roll over, it was like an anchor.

I touched it with my other hand and tried to lift it, but it was too heavy. I didn't have the leverage. I couldn't even feel my hand on it.

It was so weird!

After wrestling with it for a few minutes it slowly regained feeling.

It got me thinking, though...

What if that happened to your head?

I mean, you wake up and your head is just hanging off your shoulders like a bowling ball that some maniacal scientist had grafted onto you in your sleep?

You try holding it up with your hands, but you can't feel it well enough to get a hold of it.

So, now your trying to get down the stairs to get to the bathroom mirror to see if in fact your head is still there, and this bowling ball is just flopping back and forth knocking things off the wall. You slip in all the drool and fall head first down the steps!?

I guess I'm lucky that this time it was only my arm. This time!

If it ever does happen, though, I'll be ready.

I've set up some bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs.

Jeepers Peepers

A few weeks ago, it was the peak of Color Season.
That's when the Blue Haired Leaf Peepers invade Maine.
It is their mission to watch the leaves fall off of the trees.
It was on one of these colorful days that I went down into the village and encountered...
" Dawn of the Almost Dead"
(insert scary music here)
I pulled my truck into the local "Gas n' Shit",
a combination filling station and fast food establishment, and what I saw next was ...
Beyond Reality!
The entire paved area surrounding the Gas n' Shit, was randomly scattered with staggering, brain dead ZOMBIES!
There must have been 30 or 40 of them.
Blue hair, vacant looks, and bad polyester clothes. Aimlessly hobbling in slow, unpredictable directions.

Carefully, I navigated through the zombies towards the rear of the building, where the drive-thru is located.
Standing in front of the "Shit Burger" menu board, was a woman that could have been a stand-in for Gumby. (only not as flexible)
Her skinny frame wobbled back and forth as she took long drags off of a cigarette that was cradled in her stiff, straight fingers.
Her gaze was directed at a point that was neither in space nor at the menu that she was facing. She most definitely was not focused in my direction.
Slowly I approached the menu.
Thats when, suddenly...She Saw Me!
The look on her face could not have been more extreme had I been 2 feet from hitting her at 70 mph!

Her eyes bulged and her mouth flew open.
She dropped her cigarette, her body tried to dash towards the building as her head tried to flee to the opposite direction. Then like a slinky, they met in the middle and headed in opposite directions again. After trying to run three directions at the same time without leaving the starting point, she finally managed to jump out of the way and into the parking lot.
Narrowly escaping the jaws of certain death!

Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there.
After all, I didn't want to startle her or anything.
I ordered my #2 (shitburger with fries and cola) and continued around the building where I found the source of this Evil.
It was the Zombie Express Tour Bus.
As cautiously as I had entered, I wove through the herd of pastel polyester and made my way out. (laughing)

Yeah, I'm a survivor.
You can't let your guard down.
Not for a minute.
You never know what you'll encounter.
Not here.
Not on Planet Dandy.

I Wish I Had Said That (vol:1)

Babble babble bitch bitch

Rebel rebel party party

Sex sex sex and don't forget the "violence"

Blah blah blah got your lovey-dovey-sad-and-lonely

Stick your STUPID SLOGAN in:

Everybody sing along.

"This is the New Shit"(Marilyn Manson)

South of Heaven

I didn't get lost going to Portland last night!
Actually, I learned that there are two parallel highways that go to Portland.
The "Good 95", and the "Evil 95".
The "Good 95", goes right next to Portland , and it is not unlike seeing the Emerald City at the end of the Yellow Brick Road.
There are, in fact, lights in this city. You can't miss it!

The "Evil 95", makes you give sacrifices of pieces of silver about every 10 miles, and ultimately, sends you off thru a dark haunted forrest that renders your compasses useless, and forbids you from seeing the lights of the city.
Ironically,
it was the "Good 95", that led me to the Emerald City, last night, to see SLAYER in concert... Again!
They kicked my ass!
My ears stopped bleeding this morning, and the ringing stopped sometime this afternoon.
I only slept 4 hours, and then worked a 9 hour day.
Still, it was a beautiful thing!

Tomorrow I rest.

Tonight, I party.

North of Portland.

South of Heaven!

Being me?
It don't suck!

I'm Tweeking

Wow, I just aquired the power of the Hyperlink.
This puts a whole new spin on my Blog-Art.
Therefore, with my new found power, I have started tweeking my Blogs.
I will continue to tweek my blogs.
If you think you have read my Blogs...Think again.
They may have been tweeked!
I'm a tweek freak!
Shit!
Gotta go, my cat is watching me!

OVER 200 SERVED

Wow, have you seen the dandy little count-o-meter way down at the bottom of the front page of this site?
I wish I had thought to collect a dollar at the door.
I would have had a 2 months supply of beer money by now!
Oh well, because I like you, help yourself to my worthless insights at no charge.
They are calorie free, and 100% natural.
Well...they're calorie free, anyway.
Would you like to Super Size that?

LOSER

Right, Check this...
What if you had been rude to someone that ended up being famous, rich, and popular, years later?
Like, you were in school, and they asked you to join their band, but they were the dorks that other people laughed at.
And, even though you didn't dislike them,
you just didn't want to be associated with them.
So, you just blew them off, and they ended up being cool rich famous dorks, and you're still just an everyday dork.
Now, every time that you see a picture of them in a magazine or on a web site, you get all sick to your stomach, because you know that you BLEW IT!
It could have been you!
If only you could have not cared what other people thought.
Well...
I always knew that that could happen.
So, I was always nice to everyone!
Just in case.
Because, you never know!
Well...
Years later...
Here I am,
and none of them, amounted to SHIT!
All of that time I wasted being nice to all those LOSERS,
and what did I get out of them?
Nothing, Nada, Zilch!
Of course...
Please understand.
I'm not talking about YOU.
Or anyone that would be reading THIS.

Because...

You're Cool!

It's all those other losers.

That One Thing

This is only a test.
I have nothing to write about.
It is late.
It is twenty degrees outside.
My cat is sprawled out on the floor.
Next to the wood stove.
Here in my kitchen.
Next to me.
As I type this.
The radio is playing trance music.
I am enjoying my beer.
(Magic Hat "Blind Faith", I.P.A.)
The candles are burning.
Ambiance.
Atmosphere.
Peace.
There is nothing that could make me feel any more content with my world right now.
Almost nothing.
Almost nothing.
The music is hypnotic.
The fire is comforting.
My cat is my muse.
I am happy.
But for one thing.
If I had that one thing.
Just one thing.
Tonight.
...yeah.

Still Reigning

This weekend was delightfully dark.
The weather was cold and overcast. Ideal conditions for my vampyric nature. I decided to catch up on a video game that I started about a year ago.
It has been difficult to muster up any interest in my games since last spring, when I moved into the castle.
Being on top of the mountain, there is a constant exposure to the sun.
It was easier when I lived in the cave, half way down the mountain.
It was always dark.
I will , however, welcome the warming solar rays when the temps drop down to 20 degrees, but except for that, the light annoys me.
I finished the video game. Killed the bad guy and saved the world.
Planet Dandy is safe from evil once more... Almost.
Enter SLAYER, demonic rock band.
They filmed their performance, which I attended, in Augusta Maine, this last summer.
Having been there, I couldn't wait to get the DVD and was happy to see my tortured face in the crowd down front.
I will now live forever in the annals of Rock n'Roll history.
I have tickets to see them again next week.
Yeah, I'll be down front!
One quirky observation of mine about SLAYER.
Their last album was called, "God Hates Us All", and that was released on 9-11-2001. (yes, that very day)
The new DVD, Reign in Blood, LIVE. "Still Reigning", was released on 11-2-2004. Election Day!
Still Reigning?
Get it?
(Four more years of Evil?)
I don't think I can fight "that" evil with my video games...
but playing them...
may help me forget.

Fatso Pussycat, Kill Kill

My cat is staring at me.

I am casually enjoying my evening at home,

but my cat is staring at me.

I have a comfortable home. It's a cozy castle heated by fire.

I don't work tomorrow, so I am enjoying a few cocktails tonight.

And, she stares at me!

Sitting in my lazy-boy recliner is my fat little Cayo.

She always gets the good seat.

I would sit on the floor before I would make her move.

She knows that.

And still, she stares.

Intimidating me.

Waiting for me to fuck up.

But, I am her primary care provider.

My wood stove is blazing, the outside temp is plummeting, and even tho she is sprawled out luxuriously in a cozy nest of blankets in MY lazy-boy, she stares at me.

"What!?"

"Jesus! "

"What!?"

She is waiting for me to pass out. I know it!

You should see the size of the mice she brings home to eat in front of me. She is working herself up to something bigger...

O.K. I may be paranoid, but...

Well, I really can't talk now.

She suspects something.

She is staring at me.

I am here for her.

Do YOU have a cat?

or...Does a cat... have YOU?