Thursday, November 24, 2005

Smokin'


or...The ol' In and Out

Thanksgiving morning. I'm getting my turkey ready to put in the oven. I have a new pan to cook it in. That old disposable foil pan from previous years has moved on to the recycle center in the sky.
Damn, should have test driven this new pan before today. It doesn't fit in my oven.
Back-up plan. I will cook it in my outdoor smoker. The hard wood chips guaranteed to light without fluid and burns hotter than coals in minutes.
They wont light. I add fuel. They won't light. I add charcoal and fuel. Nothing still.
Plan three. I cram the turkey into a dinky pan just big enough for it's ass. It looks like the 50 foot woman in a 5 foot dress.
I re-heat the oven and the turkey is started once again.
Standing at the kitchen sink, washing the first mess of pans, I see the smoker...Smoking!
I check it and it seems ready cook after all.
Oven off, turkey put back into original pan and it's outside to the smoker.
Beer time.

Three and a half hours and eight beers later...
The turkey tastes awesome. Nice smoky flavour. And the Augratin potatoes that I cooked in the smoker next to it was excellent as well. My cat ate more than her share of turkey and is laying next to the wood stove now. I'm ready for my after dinner cocktails and once more, life on Planet Dandy is as it should be.
And that's a good thing!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Other Shoe

"What Mr. Wonka Forgot To Tell Charlie"

Still in shock from inheriting the chocolate factory, Charlie wondered what he should do first.
Just then, the Oompa Loompa representative told him that the Oompa Loompas hadn't been paid for two weeks.
The book keeper said that the taxes had not been paid for over two months.
The last rent check had bounced and there were outstanding bills for trash pick up, telephone service,water, and countless medical bills. Willy had not been well these last few months.
Poor Charlie thought that he could just walk in and run the chocolate factory and everything would be well and good, but as it turned out, the cost of running it were greater than the money it actually brought in.
How did Willy Wonka do it?
As it turns out, Willy had been subsidizing the factory with money from his German and Swiss bank accounts. There was also the money he received from the military for his retirement. In reality, the factory was just a hobby.
Poor Charlie.
And now, all of Charlies friends thought that he was rich and wanted him to give them jobs so they could live in the wonderful happy chocolate factory too.
His advisor suggested that he take all the chocolate and wonderful things that he wanted and leave before the tax men came to shut it down. The bad news was that he only had two weeks to get it all out and he still had to continue making chocolate for ten hours a day.
What was to become of poor Charlie now that Mr. Wonka had give him the buisiness?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Nice Daze

Folks sho nuff likes to tell ya how nice a day it is!
The nicer the day, the more they want to tell you about it.
I work in a cave of a shop in a large old brick building, and as soon as someone comes in they say,"It is such a beautiful day out there! What are you doing in here?"
I mean, "Duh! I work here!"
"Do you know how nice it is outside? We could use more days like this! Can you believe how beautiful a day it is? You should be outside enjoying this beautiful day!"
"SHUT UP!, and go have your nice day"
The funny thing is, when the weather is real nasty, they never say anything like, "You sure are lucky to be inside on a day like this! It sure must be nice to be dry and warm."
Nope. It's more like, "I got soaked just running from my car to your door! I have to drive all the way home in this snow storm. Me, me, me, me, Me!"
The same people come to shop on one of them bank holidays when a lot of businesses are closed, but we are open for their convenience.
They always say, "Why are you open today? It's a holiday!"
So, why are you shopping? Shouldn't you be out there having a nice day?
People just gotta rub it in.
So, I say to you, "Have a nice day.
No, Really. Enjoy it!"
Because I'm going to find out where you work and visit you on my day off,
and if it's a nice day...
you can bet your ass I'm gonna tell you about it!
"Have a nice day."

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Tainted Love

A Random Rambling Rant

About 2 years ago, when I lived in the cabin that's a little ways down the hill, I was so into movies.
I would look forward to the new movie to be released on DVD and put it in my player.
I would run it thru the previews and right up to where the movie starts...Then, I would pause it.
This is where I would get about three of my favorite beverages and line up the remote controls.
One trip to the bathroom and I'm ready to rock!
After making sure that there are no smudges on my glasses, I would push [PLAY].
The rest was pure non stop 5.1 surround sound pleasure.
Somehow, now that I've been working in a video store for a couple years, I can't seem to focus on a movie for very long.
The very best of the bunch, I can. The new Indy flix and a lot of the foreign films are usually good.
But your general main stream grossed a hundred million dollar movies...Suck.
Now I bring home all of the new releases every weekend. The movies that are not available to rent until the following Tuesday. And I play them all, sometimes without ever hardly looking at the television. I get so easily distracted. Then later, back at the store, everyone wants to know if the new movies are any good..
"Did you see this? Is it good?"
"Dunno," I say. "I didn't watch it."
Oh well, the only reason I brought all of this up is that I was watching T.V. a few minutes ago and my cat was all curled up to me, and I got up for no reason that I could think of.
So, I made drink, looked in the woodstove, nibbled a bit, started typing on this thing, then wondered where my cat was.
Oh!, she's still layin there watchin T.V. and lookin at me like... "Where the hell did you go? Like I got nothin better to do than lay here keeping you warm! I didn't even want this movie, I wanted to rent Mouse Hunt!"
Meanwhile, this weeks hot new release is playing in the background. Lucky me. Maybe I should watch it. Maybe it's good.
Maybe I'll never know.
Maybe I should dust the book shelves.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Trouble In Paradise

My world is in danger of being shattered by a runaway asteroid of unfortunate events. Life as I know it will be changed, most abruptly.
If and when these events occur, it will affect everything from the community that I rely on for inspiration, to the economy that keeps the very existence of Planet Dandy possible. Some of my emotions are running wild in the streets in a state of panic, and parts of me are just staring into space.
Shocked, stunned, wondering and waiting.

What happens when God drops his other shoe?
I'm a creature of habit and I loathe change that is not in my control.
I'm selfish and I'm scared.
All I can do is go about my daily routines until it happens.
Convincing myself that out of everything bad, some good will come.
After today comes tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that.
One step at a time, with my eyes to the sky.
Such is life.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Afraid

I'm afraid of the future,
I'm afraid of my past,
I'm afraid I'm too happy,
and happy don't last.

I'm afraid for my job,
it's too good to be true.
Good things don't last,
then what will I do?

I'm afraid to get old,
I'll be all alone.
Who gets my stuff,
when I'm stuck in some home?

I'm afraid of my truck,
I could run out of gas,
or not make it home,
if I drive it too fast.

I'm afraid of freedom,
it can be taken away.
I'm afraid of a world,
that could make me afraid.

I'm afraid you won't like me,
if my verses don't rhyme.
and now I'm afraid,
that I've wasted your time.