Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Tree Verses Me

ME
I'll not be raking leaves this year
I'll not be raking leaves
The wind-
It blows
And then it snows
Soon winter will be here.

They've been hanging 'round all summer
And next spring-
They'll still be here
Why should I rake
And do today
What I can put off till next year.

THE TREE
The icy breath
Of winter death
Surrounds my form so old.
My naked limbs
Scratch at the sky
And frolic in the cold.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Shroom Shtick

So, there I was, applying some Campbells Cream of Mushroom Soup to my under arms. This is done easily by opening both ends of the can and pushing the firm soup substance out of one end.(Not at all unlike speed stick.) This way I can keep that garlicky mushroom aroma with me all day.
As I'm doing this, I look at the can and notice a blue banner across the label that says, GREAT FOR COOKING.
Wow, I thought to myself. Had I not read the label, I may never have thought of that application to my mushroomy friend.
So, I tried it, and it was true. It really is great for cooking!
Shroom Shtick. Mmm, mmm, good!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Bottle Rackets

While sitting here at the computer eating my breakfast of potatoes and eggs, I began to ponder marketing schemes and how they have a way of sneaking into your home no matter how shielded you may feel from commercial invasion.
The label on my Heinz Tomato Ketchup is proudly screaming that is NEW by virtue of it's FRIDGE DOOR FIT bottle. It has bold letters and yellow banners to make sure I notice. It even has two separate pictures that show me how it fits on the shelf in the fridge door.
I try to remember how I've lived so long without this version of the product that I love so much. Gone are the days when I had to bungy strap the bottle to the butter tray. Never again will I have to super glue it to the milk bottle. Finally a ketchup bottle that I can simply place on the shelf in the fridge with ease.
This is the greatest thing since they started putting shampoo in plastic bottles.
Are you old enough to remember that revelation in consumer convenience? The television ad showed the guy in the shower who couldn't get to the shampoo, so he calls to his wife, "Honey, could you hand me the shampoo?" As she passes it to him over the shower curtain, his soapy hands let the bottle slip and fall to the floor...but it doesn't break... It bounces!
Because it's PRELL SHAMPOO, in the NEW UNBREAKABLE BOTTLE!
I used to wonder why it wasn't in the shower already. Where else are you going to keep the shampoo?
It is my new theory that it was probably on the shelf in the fridge door. Because, as we just learned, it would be years before the ketchup would ever fit there!
Get yours while supplies last.
Not available in some stores.
Void where prohibited.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

SPUN

I noticed a while back that the rotating mechanisms in both my micro-wave oven, and my rotisserie oven will randomly spin clockwise, or counter clockwise. And by stopping them and starting again, I can designate which way the food will spin while cooking.
This may sound unimportant to most of you, but to me...
It's crucial that the food spins clockwise.

I don't know why...I'm just funny that way.
(Actually, I'm funny in a lot of ways, but this is the only way I'm talking about today.)
So, anyways, it's established,
I have to cook in a clockwise rotation!

There I said it!
Another thing that I discovered is that if I accidentally over cook my food...I can un-cook it by using the counter clockwise method.
Really, I wouldn't lie to you!
So kids, don't try this at home... Or do.
Why should I care?

Besides, this probably won't work for you, because...
  1. You're not me.
  2. You don't live on Planet Dandy.
This ends today's episode of The Galloping Dan-de'.
I swear that everything I've just said is true to the best of my imagination!

Sucks not to be me, don't it!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

I've Got Blisters On My Fingers!

Damn!
I've finaly given up on summer and have elected to dedicate my spare time to the masacre of my wood piles. That meaning the chainsawing of my fire wood for my winter heat.
It's all piled up and split, all I have to do is cut each piece in half so it will fit into my wood stove, and then stack it neatly in my wood sheds.
I started today as a normal work day so that I would get an early start and make use of my morning energy. I usualy fizzle out after a few hours even though I can be on my feet indefinately. (My normal day spans 11 to 14 hours from the time I leave for work until the time I get home.) I had my coffee and eggs and spent a relaxing few minutes of quality time with my cat, and then, all energetic and raring to go, I set out to tackle my chores.

My chainsaw won't start.

I know from experience that if I don't start it just right the first time, it won't start at all.
I also know that if it doesnt start right the first time, I will keep yanking on the damn cord until I am out of breath and my back is screaming at me. Not that I can actualy hear my back screaming over the sound of my own verbal outbreaks of the colorful language that is synonamous with Turets Syndrom.

Anyways, here I am now, venting to the computer as an alternative to breaking something.
I do feel a little better now, though.
I will give the chainsaw a little more time to heal it's own stuborn way and try again when we've both cooled down a bit.

In the meantime, two of my fingers are bleading from broken blisters acrued this morning as a result of my first attempt at the Planet Dandy Chainsaw Massacre.
Oh well, now it looks like rain.
I'll give it another try before the weather talks me into blowing the whole thing off.
First I need to lick my wounds...
and then I'll Git' er Done!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Blame Canada

I just had another Birthday. This year was uneventful. I went to work, I came home. The whole day I was slightly catatonic from the heat wave. Compared to last years birthday, though, it was a blast.
Last year I was with my cat in my truck, which was broken down in the middle of nowhere, Canada. I was on my way to Michigan from Maine. It was raining and I ate some of those truck stop stay awake pills so I could drive straight through. My 30 hour drive turned into about a 55 hour trip after I broke down on some dark highway. I got towed to a service station at around 2 a.m. on a Sunday and had to wait till they opened at noon. Unable to sleep, I was sitting in the truck in a rainstorm with my cat. Waiting, waiting, waiting...Around 4:00, they had me back on the road. Some birthday that was.
So for this years birthday to be a total blah, was a relief in contrast. Yay!

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Peep Show

in and out. in and out. in and out.
just a little game the sun is playing with me today.
clap on. clap off.
oooh, it's dark and rainy...no, wait a second, it's bright and sunny.
either I'm going to mow my lawn, or I'm going to watch TV and cook all day.
oh, what a bother!
I'm going to light the charcoal, open a beer, and grill chicken.
rain or shine.
eat, drink, and be happy.
the church of Jim.
grilling for Jesus.
oh...the lawn?
let it grow.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Holidazed and Confused

Planet Dandy is on vacation for awhile.
I apologize for not writting lately.
I would rather write nothing, than write something stupid.
Recent highlights in my life include meeting Dweezil Zappa last week, and going to another Nine Inch Nails concert this week.
Things ain't too shabby right now for me.
Stop by from time to time, I just don't know when I will feel like posting.
Thanx, see me 'round.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

exodus

I'm....fading ..........away

Friday, May 26, 2006

Night Shift

I was awoken around 3:00 a.m. this morning by the rustle of activity on the floor near my bed. I reached over and turned on a night light to see what I already suspected was going on. My cat was sitting there toying with a mouse. And since she was aware of my alertness, she serviently picked the mouse up in her mouth and sat facing me for my approval. Not wanting to disappoint her for her good work, I scratched her on the head, gave her the "Good Girl", then turned the light off and let her get back to her night job.
It's not likely that the mouse was upstairs in my bedroom. She caught it in the kitcken or pantry down stairs and transported it to our upstairs lair specificaly for my approval.
Normally, if it were still alive, I may have praised her for her work and then set the beast free with a where did it go? look on my face. Then she could continue with the thrill of the chase. But tonight I didn't want to get out of bed and walk down stairs to release it outside. Sometimes it's best to respect her work and let her reap the pleasure of fresh meat.
Next I'm laying there thinking, if it gets away, how long will it live in my bed springs or closet? Will it raise a family in my room? Should I at least take it down to the wood shed? I turned the light back on to see her laying on the floor in the sphinx position facing the closet.
The beast was free.
Well, I've been here before. She won't give up untill the game is over. Let her have her fun, I say.
At 5:00 a.m. She still hadn't moved. Patience is a virtue, or so they say.
I have to go to work now. I'll be gone all day.
Her work will go on until she conquers the beast that lives somewhere in my room.
I'm just happy that she'll have something to do while I'm gone.
Experience will tell me to watch my step while entering the house in the dark tonight. She allways leaves me the liver and the head.
I love that darn cat.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Gross Plethora

There are so many things that I want to write about that I just can't decide on which topic to tackle first. Therefore, I will just throw a few topics on the table and you can discuss them amongst yourselves and save me a little hassle. OK?
  1. Wild Cards.
  2. Left Handed Swizzle Sticks.
  3. Static Shock Therapy.
  4. The Department of Redundancy Department.
  5. How to Stay Awake While Sleepwalking.
  6. Animal Alcoholism.
  7. What Makes a Weed a Weed, and If You Put Weed in a Pot Does it become A Pot Pot, a Plant Planter, or a Pot Plant Pot Planter?
But seriously folks, I do have a lot to say and just didn't think that I had the mental energy to say it right now, so I wrote this as a cop-out and ended up using the same time and energy anyways. So, stay tuned, there is more exciting banter on the way. Thank you for coming. (or however you reacted.)

In the words of The Ghoul...
"Stay Sick, Turn Blue, Scratch Glass, Climb Walls. And Most Important Of All...Do It While You Can, But Don't Get Caught!"

Bye

Thursday, April 20, 2006

(The Famous) Mark's Dad's Red Tie

It was coming apart at the seams, so I had to fix it up to make it presentable enough to wear to a rock concert. I did this by rolling up some little pieces of duck tape, sticky side out, placing them inside it, then reshaping and ironing it into it's former proud self.
This tie had history. It belonged to the father of a friend of mine. My friend Mark had wore it when he played guitar in our band over twenty years ago. Wearing it on the outside of a collarless pull over shirt, it was Rock n' Roll. It was only on stage for one night but the red tie hung around with me for years. Last night it rocked again.
This time I gave it the dignity of wearing it with a collar and leather suit jacket befitting of a Wilco show.
Once again proving that Rock n' Roll Never Forgets.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Say Uncle

I just finished doing my income taxes. I used one of those on-line services.
Last year was a typically simple year for me financially so there was nothing complicated about filing. After entering all of the personal and financial information that was required of me, my refund was automatically calculated.
To get my money back, all I had to do was click that last little button.
SUBMIT.
There was just something about that word that made me feel like someone was sitting on top of me waving my milk money over my head, saying...
"You want your money, punk? You want your money? Here it is... Say Uncle!"

SUB-MIT (verb) To surrender to the authority, discretion, or will of another.

(haha, I was just about to post this blog when I realized that to do that, I must click the Submit button. Aaarrrgh!)

"Uncle!"

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Got Mud?

It's Back!
The mile and a half of primordial black ooze brought on by the warming temperatures, falling rain, and the rising swamp.
The Mud, My Driveway.

The Bog of Despair. A White Knuckle Ride.
Requiring constant attention to traverse, one lapsed second of navigational precision and it will pull you under.
The Mud, The Hunger.
The Taste of Spring.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Soul Sacrifice

I feel so groovy, man.
Watching the Woodstock concert on my T.V.
Burning a candle that I made myself.
Outside my window the sun... slowly... sinks...looking like a red water balloon flattening out into a yellow aura that hugs the top of a nearby mountain as it fades from pink to purple to black.
The light shifts from the horizon to my table where the candle now seems brighter than a few minutes ago.
I embrace the night.
Now... 'scuse me... while I kiss the sky!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Outa Sync

Aah! It's a beautiful grey cloudy day. Ideal conditions for just laying around and watching the television. The trouble is that I have nothing new to watch. I also have a thousand things I want to get done around the house today.
My plan today was to clean all of the unessential electronic junk away from my computer area here in the kitchen to make room for my new computer that will arrive tomorrow. This would entail cleaning my bedroom to make room for some of the stuff, and eventually rearranging the dungeon as part of the domino effect that occurs during such an operation.
But alas, I have not the energy nor the motivation. I'm tired even just thinking about it.
Typical.
That's o.k., I can roll with the punches. I work best under pressure anyways. I can manage being lazy today. I will lay around watching movies that I don't feel like watching. I will eat and I will drink. I will make my hay when the sun shines and today is not the day.
Today, I will enjoy myself.
Before I started writing this I was feeling guilty about not doing anything productive but somehow I've managed to feel good about it. Nothing is something I can do. Viva la laziness!

"The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished."--Ben Franklin

Sunday, March 05, 2006

It Came From Outer Space

It came again today.
It knows I hate it.
Of all days to upset my plans.
It chose today.
I wanted to just lay around and watch movies today and I have a pile of movies to watch.
But It came.
I'm forced to be motivated.
I've cleaned, Ive cooked, and I've started my laundry.
I may even have to go outside.
All because of It.
It is a thorn in my side on a would be lazy day.
It is what most want.
It is what many worship.
It is not for me.
Not today.
It is the space invader of my dark.
It is the glare on my screen.
It is a sunny day.
Oh well, It happens.

[I suppose I could set up an extra television down in the dungeon.]

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Hexed & Vexed

I'm writing this with the assumption that it will not post.
I just lost a huge page that I tried to post thinking that this site was working again.
If you are reading this,
then that means that it did post,
and once again this site is fucking with me.

All the same,
until I bring in an exorcist...

use the link below to detour to my other site.
Thank You.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Snow Big Deal

Wow, we finally got some snow yesterday. I didn't think it was gonna happen this year. It won't last though. It will rain and melt all of the snow so it wont get a chance to accumulate. Nothing like the shoulder deep snow of last year. Yesterday morning we had no snow. By last night we had about a foot. This morning the sun is shining and the sky is blue. Weird year.
With so much of this winter feeling like spring, I've been spending some of my spare time spring cleaning. This would mean dusting the floor and behind things mostly. My place always looks tidy because I leave all of the surfaces open for my cat to use. It give my home an uncluttered look. Open surfaces in front of all of the windows and other places around the house. For every place that I have to sit, there are about three places surrounding it for my cat. In a way, my cat helps keep the house clean.
There has been no shortage of cold, though. Many nights have been from ten degrees to below zero. That's ok. I love to burn the wood. That's unfortunate though, because I'm almost out of wood. My fuel oil is full, I just don't like to burn it if I don't have to.
Soon... I will have to.
The race to spring. I know it's around the corner. I've given up on winter. Don't tease me with a snow storm. I'm ready to move on.
Makes me wonder though, Last year there was no spring because of the month of rain. Now there has been a winter without snow. What will this summer hold for us?
Somewhere there is an evil French scientist with a giant weather machine and he's messing with my mind. Give him what he wants and he'll go away!
So ends today's random thoughts about nothing much, adieu.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Dr. Feelgood

This is just my observation but I think the best thing about being really sick is that when you feel better, you feel extra good. I'm so happy today that I don't feel sick, that I don't even mind that it is normally my day off and I am going to work anyway. Besides, I want to make up for the two days this week that I came home early due to stomach flu. I have a million things I should do at home, but I wouldn't do them anyway even if I was home. I'm lazy like that. Plus I have all the best excuses. Either I don't feel good, or I feel too good. Today I feel too good not to have a fun day at work. Earlier this week I felt too bad to have fun at home and too bad to function at work. So, here I was at feeling bad that I didn't feel good enough to work while being at home feeling too sick to even take care of myself. Well, now I think I'm talking myself in circles but that's how my brain works sometimes. And that's just the kind of thinking that keeps me from sleeping at night, but that's another problem. Let me sleep on that one and I'll get back to you at another time...
if I feel like it.

Friday, January 27, 2006

What's the Frequency Kenneth?

It's like I've been on the moon for the last two weeks.
Lightning struck my castle and fried various electronic devices including my communications center. I've never felt so out of touch.
I am finally back on line and will resume my blogging again...Just not right now.
For now, I must journey down the mountain and into the village to trade my goods for supply's.
(I gotta go to work so I can buy beer.)
Hang tough, Planet Dandy is still the center of my universe.
I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Night Moves

It was the best of times, and yes... it WAS the best of times.
I turned 18 in the summer of 76. Fresh out of high school, young and cocky with a whole new world waiting for me. The drinking age in Michigan was still 18 at the time and that opened the pub doors to many new experiences. Not the least among them would be regular visits over the next four years to the local Rock n Roll club, the Tanz Haus.
I remember walking through the front doors of the Bavarian style A-frame entrance for the first time. As the door man checked my I.D. to verify that I was of legal drinking age, I scanned the walls with awe. They were covered with framed band promo photographs. It was a "who's who" of Michigan Rock n Roll bands that had frequented the place. Among them, Bob Seger, Brownsville Station, Glen Frey, MC5, Frost, Ted Nugent...and the band I was here to see tonight, Salem Witchcraft.Salem Witchcraft 1978
Being in the latter half of the seventies, I had just missed out on seeing the big name bands before they went big time, but Salem Witchcraft felt like the band that was going to be the next big thing (They were friends with Ted Nugent) and we could see them now in this small club.
The Tanz Haus was located on the outskirts of Traverse City, a small town at the time, in northern Michigan. Being outside of the city limits meant that in the summer, one entire wall of the club would open up access to the outside patio area. This would make the place bigger and less smoky, without any worry of the loud music bothering any neighbors. Being outside, it was also where you could sneak a doobie with your friends.
I remember drinking beers, smoking cigarettes, and trying to pick out the girls that looked like they might want to dance. This was Rock n Roll heaven! I wasn't very good at the dancing part, but when some awesome cover tune of a song from a popular band like Boston or Led Zep would play, success was inevitable. Dancing had two purposes. The first was to meet girls, and the second was to be closer to the band. The dance floor was right in front of the stage.
I recall one Saturday night that we had been looking forward to seeing Salem Witchcraft. A big party came up so we blew it off. That, we would learn later, was a mistake. A couple friends showed up at the party very late and had just came from closing the Tanz Haus. They had the pleasure of sharing their story of Ted Nugent getting up on stage and jamming with the band all night.
"Dude, it was so awesome!"
Arrgh, of all nights not to go!
Oh well. That was a long time ago, and since then have gotten to see the best of the Michigan Rock n Roll bands many times over. Alice Cooper, The Rockets, Bob seger, Mitch Rider, Cub Coda, and even Ted Nugent.
Traverse City is like a real city now and there is a sprawl mart of some kind where there used to be a small Bavarian style Rock n Roll club on the edge of the woods.
I don't think Salem Witchcraft ever became that next big thing, but those were some good times.
They were the best of times and Rock n Roll Never Forgets.
Yes... I was 18 and I liked it!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Sofa King What

Man, these last few months have been a real drag.
Hopefully with the new year upon me and a long awaited blanket of fresh snow shrouding my land, a new attitude will manifest. I long for the fun loving carefree soul that is me.
I'm always best when I can be home with my cat. The wood stove hot and a cold one in my hand. I always have plenty of food and drink. There is no lack of luxury here.
I'm in paradise. I have all the toys in the world. I am a dream come true. I live a charmed life. I'm alive.
If only I could free my mind of the occasional stress of the "real world" out there. Too many sleepless nights lately where my brain will not shut down. That pisses me off! I shouldn't have to drink myself to sleep. (Not that I mind at least a couple times a week.)
But, I don't want to write about negative things. I don't want to feed negativity to myself or project it to you either. It's just that I'm in a bit of a writing slump right now and rather than write nothing, I will just dump this bile here and be done with it.
Nuff said.
Here's looking at a new year and a new attitude.

I've still got of stories to tell and webs to weave.
Step into my lair, but beware.
I bite.