Purgatory

Spring usually makes me want to pick up and go. This year has been more like, get up and blah. The rain hasn't stopped for about three weeks. It is Memorial Day today, but still just another rainy day. I should be getting ready for work but here I sit, trying to coerce inspiration onto this page so that you, dear reader, don't think I died.

An ethereal fog shrouds my yard as I write this, or is it a low flying cloud? From where I am sitting I can see the princess sitting in the tall grass staring at the sounds that mice make. The mice are no doubt looking for breakfast as well. My trees are fully dressed now, in cloaks of green and red. Some wear flowers. Soon the edge of the forest will be carpeted with lush ferns. Then, suddenly, it will be summer. That is, if the sun ever comes out. The fog makes my world dream like.

I can also sense that a change is in the air for my being , as well. I can only wonder what it will be. I haven't touched alcohol in over a week. I want my body clean when it arrives. The change. I've also been listening to my old Beatle records again. They help unclutter my mind and take my thoughts back to simpler times, although, I know that there is no going back. My life seems to cycle in "ten year" increments. The change is due. Even a snake gets to shed it's skin and start fresh. It will be fun to fly out of the cloud and see the new horizon. Out of the fog and into the sun.

Out of my skin.

Flying.

Let it be.

The Downward Spiral

The plan was simple. Get in and Get out.
Unfortunately, it would not be that easy.
Too much anticipation had already numbed the excitement. And so it started, a day like any other day. Breakfast, dishes, vacuuming, television. Who would have thought that this was preparation for a road trip to see a Nine Inch Nails concert 400 miles away.
We thought it would be casual to leave around 11:00 a.m. and enjoy a leisurely 4 hour drive, arriving in Boston with 4 hours to spare to do the downtown thing, hang out, find a pub, and get psyched for the big show.
What we didn't anticipate was A tractor-trailer carrying 1,600 pounds of ammonium nitrate and blasting caps to overturn in the southbound lane of the Maine turnpike, paralyzing traffic for 13 miles. This happened around noon and we became hostages of a one mile stretch of the turnpike for over 3 hours, leaving just enough time to get to Boston for the 7:30 show.
We arrived in Boston around 6:30. According to our directions we were only a couple miles from the theater. Even with a map-quest route printed out in detail, we found ourselves immediately lost. Wicked lost. No clues. Driving aimlessly in circles around the heart of an all American(sic), non English speaking ghetto. Not one person could even point us toward the big evil highway 93 that we had strayed from on most likely an incorrect exit.
Further down the spiral. It's 7:00. I have no idea where we are. We're not going to make it!
We found ourselves accidentally crossing a huge bridge that would take us most assuredly to the wrong side of the river. Besides paying a whopping $6.00 toll to cross the bridge, I expected to have to pay again to get back to where we were so we could continue being lost where we started.
Things look up. The toll both operator reassured us that we were headed in the right direction and kindly gave some simple instructions to get us closer to our destination.
Whew! It's 7:15. We might just make it!
We found the theater district. Then we lost it. It's not my fault. Boston has some really messed up streets with no sense of direction. The street names change at intersections, streets suddenly turn into one way traffic coming toward you, and the usual logic of back tracking doesn't easily apply.
Yup, still lost. Even after finding the theatre around 7:45 it took another half hour to find a place to park. Finally, we are in the theatre at our assigned seats at 8:15. We catch the last 2 songs from the opening band.
We made it!
Basically, we have just enough time to take a couple breaths before Trent and his boys take the stage. All I can think of is, "I can't wait to get home!"
For the next hour and a half, though, It was bliss.
NINE_INCH_NAILS LIVE: WITH_TEETH_2005
They kicked serious ass, playing all my favorite tunes, old and new. [Click on comments for the set list.] Loud and Hard with no down time. The band was tight. The balcony was shaking, literally! (The Orpheum Theatre was built around 1850.) And the light show was intense!
But alas, it was over too soon.
Around 10:30 we were back at my truck. Trying to follow the reverse version of the directions that got us lost in the first place. We finally get on a familiar northbound highway at midnight. That was the most relief I felt all night, at least until around 4:15 when we finally arrived home. Planet Dandy.
I never went to bed. The sun was on the horizon and I was so relieved to be on my hilltop in the country that I couldn't have slept.
It's kind of funny. The deer were frolicking in my yard that morning. Chasing each other and rolling whimsically in the tall grass. A total contrast to the pounding techno metal noise of NIN and a somewhat ironic ending to the stressful adventure of the previous 20 hours.
I'm still trying to put it all into perspective. Like the over turned truck? It never even exploded. What a rip off!
But hey, I seen Nine Inch Nails, and now I'm back in the peaceful country side of Maine.
Closer to God.
I think that's pretty special!
Was it all worth it?
Would I do it again?
..."Hell Yeah!"

Sunspot Baby

Like a dust mop with feet, shirking her duties, she's grounded in the corner entertaining the sun.
"Shirk what?" She says nonchalantly. "I'm a cat. It's what I do."

A wisp of chimney smoke frolics outside my window like a lost spirit trying to find a home.

"I'm not lost." It says insouciantly. "It's what I do."

Why do I ponder minutiae and impose significance on the mundane? I ask myself ostentatiously.

"It's what I do."

Rainy Day Dream Away

"Rainy day rain all day

Ain't no use in gettin' uptight

Just let it groove its own way

Let it drain Your worries away

Lay back and groove on a rainy day

Lay back and dream on a rainy day"

---Jimi Hendrix

Perfect words for a perfect day. The weekend is upon me and it will rain all day today and tomorrow. It's darkly tranquil on my mountain top. The field is turning lush green. A hint of the summer that approaches and a fitting contrast to the charcoal skies above.The trees almost seem to form leaves as I watch. My world is in slow motion.

The fire in my woodstove is like the last breath of a dying friend whose company I will soon miss. For now, though, the comfort of the heat on a cold rainy day is a guilty pleasure.

Music assaults my senses from all directions as the trees outside slam dance to the wind.

The forest is alive.

Neither happy or angry.

Just moving.

Moshing.

[WITH_TEETH]

Only in Maine

I seen a poster in town for an upcoming supper at the Methodist Church.

"A Traditional New England Pot Luck."
And at the bottom of the poster in big letters...
"IT'S WICKED GOOD!"

Feelin' Lucky... Punk?

I was barely 16 when I first got my drivers license.
I remember zipping all over the side streets of my small town, watching out for the police car (there was only one in town) and wondering if he would notice me.
He did.
Officer McRoberts pulled me over right down town. He said that he had noticed me zipping all over the side streets of our small town and asked me if I could afford a speeding ticket.
Silly me, I said, "I don't know. How much are they?"
It was later that I realized that he may not have meant "afford" in the monetary sense.
He just told me to watch my speed and let me go.
I felt noticed.
Fast forward eight years...
There is a knock on my door. I open it to see McRoberts standing there. Or rather, a slightly more disheveled version of the former Officer McRoberts. He said that he had heard that I played guitar and sang and was wondering if I would consider playing in his country band.
Rewind a month or two...
The father of a close friend of mine had a country band, and as a hoot one night, I sat in with them to sing some harmonies on a couple songs.
I assumed that McRoberts had heard about me through them.
I thanked him for the offer and explained that I had other things going on.

(Primarily, punk and heavy metal)
At least I got noticed.
I could have said, "See here copper, you'll never make me sing!"
But in retrospect, I suppose,

I should have said...
"Can You Afford Me...Punk?"

Jekyl or Hide?

Once upon a time there was a big cuddly teddy bear and all the children loved him.
Or another way to say it would be...
Once, while working as a busboy at a holiday Inn somewhere in Detroit Michigan, I had the privilege of wearing a giant Teddy Bear costume as part of a Christmas party for a bunch of children.
Although the costume was very hot, it was rewarding. It was fun being automatically loved by strangers. In a costume you tend to forget who you are and become who they think you are.
After a couple hours of handing out presents and being adored by children full of Christmas spirit, it was time to become human again.While walking out through the lobby I smiled and said goodbye to a child, that only a few moments before I could hardly peel off my leg. Naturally he, and his mother, looked at me like I had the plague.
Oops...
How dare a long haired stranger approach them!
"What was I thinking? "
After all, this is Detroit City.
I might be a dangerous hippy.
I couldn't say, "Hi, I was the Bear...You were clinging to my leg?"
It just seemed awkward at that instant because I was the same lovable person on the inside, and had forgotten that I looked different on the outside.
Loved one minute, rejected the next.
This was a lesson in human perception and quite possibly a metaphor for something much bigger.
People may like you for who they believe you are. Or, maybe people like you for who you let them believe you are. (or maybe people don't even like you, haha) It's up to you.

The internet is kinda like a big Teddy Bear costume.
You can be yourself, and if you're a nice likeable person, hopefully, that is what people will see.
Just don't take your costume off.

Here is the crux...Beware of the Wolf in Sheeps clothes.

May You Live Happily Ever After.!

Another World

My universe is expanding!
There are more true and amazing stories on the way!
They are bouncing around in my head waiting to be channeled onto this site.
In the meantime, click THIS, for a peek at my Planet of daily rants, raves, and goings on of a more personal nature. It will contain short daily entries and links to cool stuff.

This planet will continue to supply you with stories of my reality as I see it. (hopefuly at least once a week)

Thank You for visiting the Planets Dandy.
And Keep on Space Truckin'
... Y'all Come Back Now!

Night of the Feeders

They're back.

The snow is almost gone from the field.

In the forrest it's still deep.

That could be why they're back.

When I get home from work at night I feel their eyes all over me.

I can't tell how close they are through the darkness.

The thick calm.

I walk from my truck across the yard to the back door.

I know they're out there.

I walk slow.

They watch me.

My cat sits at the window.

Cats have a keen extra sense.

She knows they're there.

Some times I'll shine a flashlight around the yard and their glowing eyes are everywhere!

All eyes on me.

My cat can see them too.

They are out there!

It is morning as I write this.

The sun begins its journey to the night.

I can see them at the edge of the forest that surrounds my yard.

They are coming.

Yesterday morning there were six of them right outside my window.

They are definitely back.

I took pictures.

Proof.

They don't care if it's day or night.

They've come to feed.

They like it here.

They are safe

for now.

Safe for the summer.

At least until...

Deer Hunting Season!

Somewhere Over the Wood Stove

It's Easter.

I cooked a ham and some sweet potatoes.

I did it all on my wood stove.

I Thought it would be a good day to drink wine as well.

Being the lover of a good theme day, I watched The Last Temptation of Christ and The Passion of the Christ.

My perennial favorite for Easter is Life of Brian, but it was not available this year.

I didn't do anything with eggs today.

I didn't color, look for, or cook eggs today.

In fact, I completely skipped breakfast and went straight for Mamosas!

Is there a point to all of this, you ask?

No, should there be, say I?

Remember,

I had wine for breakfast so

a sudden change in topic should be of no surprise either.

Did you ever just suddenly notice that your hair is longer?

I mean, it grows the same every day.

Then suddenly one day you look in the mirror and say,

"Holy Shit! My hair is longer!"

It's like in The Wizard of Oz.

When they filmed that, Judy Garlands hair gradually got longer.

Her pony tails were just touching her shoulders when they started filming. Later on they were hanging down to her breasts.

In some places, they had to go back and re shoot parts of the movie and if you watch close, you can see her hair go from short to long in the same scene.

That's what I thought of this morning when I realized that my hair was suddenly down to my nipples.

So...

that was my day.

I watched two crucifixions, Hammed it up, and watched my hair grow.

Now, if I click my slippers together three times...

There's no plate like ham.

There's no plate like ham.

There's no plate like ham.

Double Bubble

I went into the village yesterday as I do every Monday.

That's where I work.

Also, I receive my mail in a post box there.

It's safer than the beat up mail box at the end of my road.

As previously etablished, it's a little over a mile from my castle to the main road and the postal carriers are afraid to travel thru the haunted Forrest.

Hence, the post box in the village.

Now back to the story at hand.

In my post box were two things that would brighten any mood.

My INCOME TAX check

and my tickets to

NINE INCH NAILS!

This was especially good timing as my co-worker was home ill, and Mondays are very busy for two of us.

I dreaded having to go the day without her.

A little bit because we're a good team,

but A LOT because it's fun to be with her!

The day went without disaster though.

I was with full life force!

And with the added energy of the NIN tickets in one pocket, and a heap of cash in the other,

I managed the 10 hour shift without effort.

Well, that's a lie.

It took a lot of effort!

That just sounds more noble and poetic, ha.

But...

I'm not out of the woods yet.

It's Tuesday morning now and time to do it again!

Toil and Trouble!

HURT

I remember the first time a spanking didn't hurt.
Don't get the impression that I was beat, mistreated, or had an unhappy childhood. I wasn't and I didn't.
None the less, corporal punishment was in effect.
Now, there are two things that can be as bad as a good whipping.
The first is waiting in the wood shed till ,"Your father gets home!"
The second is seeing him walk towards you "cracking" his belt.

(cracking the belt is where you fold a leather belt in half, then holding each end firmly you make a loud cracking noise by pushing the two ends together and quickly pulling them away from each other.)
"CRACK!"
So, anyway...
I did the "waiting", suffered the "cracking" and was ready to receive my punishment.
The crime was for having been moved to another desk in school because of talking in class.
(I know, how dare I.)
Down came the belt.
Then again.
And again, and again.
I don't remember how many times.
What I do remember is that it didn't hurt.
WOW!
(Should I tell him?)
I felt like I had received some super power that protected me from pain in the lower extremity.
I think I smiled.
I also remember thinking that maybe I should fake pain to conceal my new power.
I would have to fain suffering, and be believably regretful.
I mustn't let my secret out.
From here on, I thought to myself, life is going to be smooth sailing!
I can do anything!
(Oh, don't worry. I didn't turn into a super villain or anything. They were already working on new forms of punishment to keep me honest.)
But that was the last time it hurt.

A funny thing though...

Later that day he apologized, saying he found out that it was another kids fault, not mine, and why didn't I say something in my defense?

(Because, I thought I was getting the belt for something else that I did do!)

Still, I kept my secrets.

Now...

How to get out of being grounded?

STARFUCKERS, INC.

I remember a time when a person actually had to stand in line overnight to get tickets to a Rock Concert!
Today, I sat at a computer and counted down the seconds to 5:00 p.m. when Nine Inch Nails tickets would go on sale.
I signed into my Ticketmaster account to save valuable time and then, with sweaty hands, watched the clock tick down, waiting for the "Now On Sale" to appear.
3...2...1...
It was my strategy to buy two tickets for the Thursday show, then snatch up two tickets to the Friday show, both taking place in Boston on May 12th and 13th.
What happened was, during the five minutes it took to buy the Thursday tickets, the Friday show had sold out already!
In fact, every show in the country went on sale at the same time and sold out in minutes!
Broken...
At first I was annoyed, because I really wanted to see both shows.
Hey, I'm greedy, ok?
I mean, if I'm driving all the way to Boston to see a the hottest band in the world, a band that only tours about once every five years...
Well...#$%@!!!
I'm getting myself worked up again, so let me just sum this up with a positive note.
At 5:oo this afternoon Nine Inch Nails tickets went on sale across the country, and within 10 minutes, all shows were sold out!
At this very minute Nine Inch Nails tickets are being offered on eBay for as much as $600.00!
I am happy (and lucky) to have two tickets.
A lot of fans are going to miss out on the tour of the year.
A lot of fans are going to pay scalpers a lot to be there.
Me?
I'm going to see Nine Inch Nails in Boston!
I paid 30 Bucks per ticket...
and I didn't have to stand in line.
...Fixed!

House of Pain

I'm JUMPY.

I can't help it, sometimes I'm just JUMPY.

First...

I came home last night from a long day of condescending to high maintenance video customers.

That can wear a person out.

Next...

My driveway is a bitch!

After the winding mountain trail thru the haunted Forrest, I have to make it up the final hill at the foot of my castle.

Recent weather has left it pure ice.

After one failed attempt at getting half way to the top and sliding all the way back to the bottom with the breaks on, I surrender and put the chains on my tires.

I beat the bitch!

Now...

I'm mentally bankrupt, physically drained, and not in my most cheery mood.

I'm tired, and relieved to be home.

Alone.

I enter through the back door and step into the dark room that is the woodshed.

A voice...

"Don't have a heart attack."

...Yeah, right.

I Freak Out!

Immediately, I realize that there is a figure sitting in the corner in the dark, and

Speaking to me.

The next minute, I knew who it was.

But, in the seconds in between...

I JUMPED!

Then I yelled.

"What the Fuck, you stupid Fuck! What the Fuck you Trying to Do to Me?

FUCK!"

I heaved my back pack at him and bitched some more, then went into the castle.

Most times I might laugh it off a little quicker, but I was not in the mood. Not last night.

I needed to be alone.

I needed to know that I was alone.

He is a good friend and I feel bad that I bitched at him.

At the same time I feel closer to him because I know that I can bitch at him.

And maybe... Inflict a little pain.

Friendships are weird but beautiful.

Last night?

I'm over it.

but, I'm still JUMPY.

and...He won't do it again!

EVERYBODY JUMP!

A Day in the Life

What is a typical day in the life of Jim Dandy like?
Well, it's funny you should ask.

I'm Jim Dandy.
I wake up with the sun in my face as it creeps over the mountain like some cosmic game of peek-a-boo. Lately, this is around 6:30 a.m.

My cat, Cayo, is always curled up against me, so I show her some love by snuggling and petting her for a few minutes, and it's up and atom!
Then...( like a television family from the 50's, I'll censor the bodily function details.) You're welcome!
Next, it's chuck some wood into the old woodstove and feed Cayo. Being careful not to chuck Cayo into the woodstove and...err, nevermind.
I like to start my day off with a movie. Something light, funny, and if possible, a little on the corny side.

I don't have any network t.v. or cable or satellite, so anything I watch is from my home library or brought home from work.
It could be Green Acres, Beach Blanket Bingo, or cartoons.
Last weekend I had a three "Gidget" movies. One for each day. Today, it's "Raise Your Voice", the new Hillary Duff movie. (it sucks, but who's watching anyway!)
While the film du jour is playing, I fix my tea and start breakfast.
Usually, it's some fried potatoes with onions, garlic and eggs. Some times I do a Mexican style with tortillas and salsa.
Whatever it is, it is from scratch and it's good.
Next I sit in front of the computer, which is on the kitchen table, and check e-mail, read a couple blogs, and eat my breakfast, while watching the movie that is still playing.
I'm big on multi-tasking.
(Today, I'm blogging as well!)
Now it's time to shave, shower, do the dishes, and dress for work.
Before I can leave the castle, I have to clean the cat box, put some little handfuls of cat crunchies around for Cayo to snack on while I'm gone, stoke the woodstove again, and turn the nightlights on.
It's dark when I get home at 9-10 p.m.
My job at the video store is about a half hour drive into the village, so I leave about an hour and a half before I need to be there, to account for any delays on the journey, and leave time for any errands in town.
Departure time, 9:30 a.m.

Nine or 10 hours of video rentals later, I come home to Planet Dandy!
(The events that occur during the work day are best left to future blogs!)

After I fixing myself a coctail, I repeat the morning rituals, feed the cat, stoke the stove, fix some food, and hit the computer, while watching another movie.
The evening film has to be dark and scary. The opposite of the morning movie mood. Zombie movies are always good. Last nights selection was "SAW". (wow, saw is was spelled backwards!)
After getting thoroughly creeped out, it's off to bed, where I may read a comic book before turning out the light around midnight.
Once again, my cat is curled up against me, purring and keeping me safe.
And that ends my day.

I thrive on these seemingly mundane domestic routines.

I've had my share of adventures.

I'm no less wild, or through with adventure either.
Now, about my day off ...

That's another story!

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme

I am the classic All American Boy!

I want it all!

I want this and I want that.

I have more than anyone could ever need.

I have rooms full of electric guitars, amplifiers, comic books, stereos, collectibles of every genre from Rock n Roll, to Famous Monsters.

New York Post...JOHN LENNON SHOT DEAD.

Autographs, Photographs, phonographs.

Posters and Coasters.

Cookbooks and Matchbooks.

I got more shit than a two seater outhouse!

Guitar Picks, Drum Sticks and Backstage Passes.

Leather Jackets and Old Ripped Jeans.

Concert shirts from back in my teens.

Now there's DVD and Internet too!

There's no stopping

the shopping

that this kid can do!

This isn't a poem,

so I'll End it soon.

It seems though,

that no matter how bad I want something,

as soon as I get it,

I want something else!

When is enough enough?

If they would just stop making stuff,

I could stop wanting it,

and finaly

have it

ALL!

Time Machine

Almost a month?
Where has the time gone?

Has it really been that long since my last entry on this thang?
Well, I won't list all of my excuses, that would be a blog in it's self.
Let me just get right down to a fresh thought that I had!

If I had a time machine...

I would go back in time to when there was no electricity and open up a video store. No one would no what a video was, so they wouldn't know that I wasn't selling them a video!
Instead, I would describe a movie to them.

It would be in elaborate detail.

It would be a story that they could take home and share around the fireplace after dinner.
That's how folks entertained each other back in the olden days!
Now, I doubt that everyone was a born story teller, so it could get pretty boring around the ol' fireplace with no new stories.
Face it, they couldn't regale the children with stories about the olden days because the olden days were just beginning!
Yup, I can see it now...
JIM'S VIDEO, STORIES TOLD FOR A DOLLAR
The best thing would be, No Late Fees!

"Gather 'round the fire, children. Gramps is gonna tell a new story!"

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."

Fa La, La La, Lush

Dear Diary.
Why does it seem that the less that I do, the more I can find to write about?
As of late, I have been too busy having fun, therefore, finding less time to write about it all.
Well, this may make me late for work but let me tell you about my Christmas.
It was good.
I cooked a turkey with potatoes and gravy and all the usual side dishes, including candied sweet potatoes.
This was almost a disaster when I woke up early with a hangover and the oven wouldn't light. After some frustration and a few cuss words, I remedied that problem by pouring hot water over the gas tank outside in case something was frozen up. I was grasping for straws with that one, but I was desperate, and it worked!
I moved on to some Jack Daniels and egg nog for breakfast, then rest of the day went smooth.
To complete the Christmas atmosphere, I set out trays of nuts, and cheese and crackers.
Fortunately my friend, D-Mac, showed up to spend the holiday with me and help consume it all.
Between eating and drinking,we filled any empty space in the weekend by watching all of the next weeks new release videos and playing on the computer.
Unfortunately, there was no snow. Not even a cloud in the sky, and if you know me, you know how much I love a nasty day.
Oh well. Come Monday morning, when I had to travel down the mountain and to the village, there was snow a plenty.
Now the New Years weekend is almost upon us and I hope for an equally entertaining time.
Let the cocktails flow!
I still have a cheeselog.

Makin' Bacon

For lack of anything philosophical to share, I give you this.
While cooking breakfast this morning, I began to wonder. ..
If bacon grease is so flammable, why haven't I heard reports of pigs randomly bursting into flames?
Is that why they roll in the cool mud?

Why Be Normal

One fine day while applying a bumper sticker to my van...
The bumper sticker read, WHY BE NORMAL, so naturally, I was applying it upside down for maximum effect.
An elderly woman that was watching from the passenger seat of another nearby vehicle called me over to her.
"Young man", she said, "People have told me that all I need is the letter "L", and I could be NORMAL."
Then she smiled and said, "My name is Norma."

DIMEBAG

Still in Shock.What the Fuck? Dammit!!

Dime is Dead. Long live the Dime. R.I.P. 

Onomatopoeia

Ring, Ring...
I'm watching the telly a couple nights ago and the phone rings. I let the machine take the message.
It's this guy that I haven't seen in almost 11 years.
I get a little anxious because the last time I saw him, he loaned me 500 bucks.
He calls again a few minutes later, this time no message.
After a few minutes of nervous pacing, I decide to call him back and get it out of the way.
"Hey! This is Jim, returning your call."
As it turns out, he is just drinking and dialing old friends, trying to stay in touch. He told me that he had always enjoyed my happy go lucky attitude about life, and my laughable observations on the otherwise mundane.
I don't even think he remembered loaning me the money.
He always boasted that he had a fat wallet and liked to pay for the dinner or drinks.
An authentic Mr. Nice Guy.

A little back-story here...
We had sailed together as part of a 10 person crew aboard a schooner traversing from Camden Maine to Key West Florida, and visa versa. Many good times were had.
At the end of the last voyage, I was to take a train back down to Florida to pick up my van and drive it back to Maine.
I was not fully confident that the van was worthy of the trip, hence, his generous loan of emergency fundage.

Back to the phone call...
I reminded him that the last time we seen each other, he had said, "I'll probably never see you again but, would you like to borrow 500 dollars?" And, of course, I said, "Sure."
Now, it's eleven years later.
We reminisce and catch up.
Then he says, "I sold my business for 20 million dollars.
Do you need some more money?"
I say, "nah, I'm good."
I mean, who doesn't need some more money?!
Do you think he will interpret my "nah, I'm good",
as "Well, Hell yeah!!!!!"?
Am I just stupid?

I gave him my mailing address...
just in case!

Bling, Bling!

Klaatu Verada Niktu

Yesterday was the most outstandingly, beautiful, drizzly, blustery day...
and I had to work!
Today is my day off, and that damned flaming glob in the sky won't leave me alone!
It's sucking my soul right out of me and bleeding me dry. I can't escape from it!
FUCK!
It was grey for a few minutes and I thought it might actually be turning into a decent day, so I came to the computer to blog a fresh idea that I had.
As soon as I'm logged on, I am blasted by an endless beam of blazing hell fire from above!
I can't even remember what I was going to blog about!
If only I had a magic spell to make it dark and rainy on my command.
"ETERNUS NOCTOURNUM"
???
Well... That didn't work.
I'll just have to come back later when my flesh isn't melting. Sorry to have wasted your time with my personal problems like this.
fuck!

handy man

One fine day while working at the video store.
I had an arm full of DVD's, and was awkwardly working on filing them on a shelf with my other hand. Trying to separate an area on the shelf with two fingers, while attempting to stick the disc in the proper location and remove the empty box with the remaining fingers without forfeiting my grip on the stack of discs in my other arm.
Arrrg!
I got to thinking how much easier it would be if I had two hands at the end of each arm!
BRILLIANT!
Why hadn't the big "G" thought of this back at creation?
Just think of all the convinces that this would open up!
Here are a few that come to mind...

• Giving Your Cat a Bath
• Eating and Drinking While Driving
• Full Body Massages
• Carrying 6-packs of Beer
• Untangling Christmas Lights
• Showing Your "Horns" at a Rock Concert

And, best of all...

I Could Type With Four Fingers, Instead of Two!

Thank You, and Have a Weird Day!

DEAD HEAD

I woke up laying on my arm in such a way that I lost all feeling in it.
It was like it wasn't even attached.

Not that tingley kind of asleep, either.

Pure Dead Weight!

When I tried to roll over, it was like an anchor.

I touched it with my other hand and tried to lift it, but it was too heavy. I didn't have the leverage. I couldn't even feel my hand on it.

It was so weird!

After wrestling with it for a few minutes it slowly regained feeling.

It got me thinking, though...

What if that happened to your head?

I mean, you wake up and your head is just hanging off your shoulders like a bowling ball that some maniacal scientist had grafted onto you in your sleep?

You try holding it up with your hands, but you can't feel it well enough to get a hold of it.

So, now your trying to get down the stairs to get to the bathroom mirror to see if in fact your head is still there, and this bowling ball is just flopping back and forth knocking things off the wall. You slip in all the drool and fall head first down the steps!?

I guess I'm lucky that this time it was only my arm. This time!

If it ever does happen, though, I'll be ready.

I've set up some bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs.

Jeepers Peepers

A few weeks ago, it was the peak of Color Season.
That's when the Blue Haired Leaf Peepers invade Maine.
It is their mission to watch the leaves fall off of the trees.
It was on one of these colorful days that I went down into the village and encountered...
" Dawn of the Almost Dead"
(insert scary music here)
I pulled my truck into the local "Gas n' Shit",
a combination filling station and fast food establishment, and what I saw next was ...
Beyond Reality!
The entire paved area surrounding the Gas n' Shit, was randomly scattered with staggering, brain dead ZOMBIES!
There must have been 30 or 40 of them.
Blue hair, vacant looks, and bad polyester clothes. Aimlessly hobbling in slow, unpredictable directions.

Carefully, I navigated through the zombies towards the rear of the building, where the drive-thru is located.
Standing in front of the "Shit Burger" menu board, was a woman that could have been a stand-in for Gumby. (only not as flexible)
Her skinny frame wobbled back and forth as she took long drags off of a cigarette that was cradled in her stiff, straight fingers.
Her gaze was directed at a point that was neither in space nor at the menu that she was facing. She most definitely was not focused in my direction.
Slowly I approached the menu.
Thats when, suddenly...She Saw Me!
The look on her face could not have been more extreme had I been 2 feet from hitting her at 70 mph!

Her eyes bulged and her mouth flew open.
She dropped her cigarette, her body tried to dash towards the building as her head tried to flee to the opposite direction. Then like a slinky, they met in the middle and headed in opposite directions again. After trying to run three directions at the same time without leaving the starting point, she finally managed to jump out of the way and into the parking lot.
Narrowly escaping the jaws of certain death!

Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there.
After all, I didn't want to startle her or anything.
I ordered my #2 (shitburger with fries and cola) and continued around the building where I found the source of this Evil.
It was the Zombie Express Tour Bus.
As cautiously as I had entered, I wove through the herd of pastel polyester and made my way out. (laughing)

Yeah, I'm a survivor.
You can't let your guard down.
Not for a minute.
You never know what you'll encounter.
Not here.
Not on Planet Dandy.

I Wish I Had Said That (vol:1)

Babble babble bitch bitch

Rebel rebel party party

Sex sex sex and don't forget the "violence"

Blah blah blah got your lovey-dovey-sad-and-lonely

Stick your STUPID SLOGAN in:

Everybody sing along.

"This is the New Shit"(Marilyn Manson)

South of Heaven

I didn't get lost going to Portland last night!
Actually, I learned that there are two parallel highways that go to Portland.
The "Good 95", and the "Evil 95".
The "Good 95", goes right next to Portland , and it is not unlike seeing the Emerald City at the end of the Yellow Brick Road.
There are, in fact, lights in this city. You can't miss it!

The "Evil 95", makes you give sacrifices of pieces of silver about every 10 miles, and ultimately, sends you off thru a dark haunted forrest that renders your compasses useless, and forbids you from seeing the lights of the city.
Ironically,
it was the "Good 95", that led me to the Emerald City, last night, to see SLAYER in concert... Again!
They kicked my ass!
My ears stopped bleeding this morning, and the ringing stopped sometime this afternoon.
I only slept 4 hours, and then worked a 9 hour day.
Still, it was a beautiful thing!

Tomorrow I rest.

Tonight, I party.

North of Portland.

South of Heaven!

Being me?
It don't suck!

I'm Tweeking

Wow, I just aquired the power of the Hyperlink.
This puts a whole new spin on my Blog-Art.
Therefore, with my new found power, I have started tweeking my Blogs.
I will continue to tweek my blogs.
If you think you have read my Blogs...Think again.
They may have been tweeked!
I'm a tweek freak!
Shit!
Gotta go, my cat is watching me!

OVER 200 SERVED

Wow, have you seen the dandy little count-o-meter way down at the bottom of the front page of this site?
I wish I had thought to collect a dollar at the door.
I would have had a 2 months supply of beer money by now!
Oh well, because I like you, help yourself to my worthless insights at no charge.
They are calorie free, and 100% natural.
Well...they're calorie free, anyway.
Would you like to Super Size that?

LOSER

Right, Check this...
What if you had been rude to someone that ended up being famous, rich, and popular, years later?
Like, you were in school, and they asked you to join their band, but they were the dorks that other people laughed at.
And, even though you didn't dislike them,
you just didn't want to be associated with them.
So, you just blew them off, and they ended up being cool rich famous dorks, and you're still just an everyday dork.
Now, every time that you see a picture of them in a magazine or on a web site, you get all sick to your stomach, because you know that you BLEW IT!
It could have been you!
If only you could have not cared what other people thought.
Well...
I always knew that that could happen.
So, I was always nice to everyone!
Just in case.
Because, you never know!
Well...
Years later...
Here I am,
and none of them, amounted to SHIT!
All of that time I wasted being nice to all those LOSERS,
and what did I get out of them?
Nothing, Nada, Zilch!
Of course...
Please understand.
I'm not talking about YOU.
Or anyone that would be reading THIS.

Because...

You're Cool!

It's all those other losers.

That One Thing

This is only a test.
I have nothing to write about.
It is late.
It is twenty degrees outside.
My cat is sprawled out on the floor.
Next to the wood stove.
Here in my kitchen.
Next to me.
As I type this.
The radio is playing trance music.
I am enjoying my beer.
(Magic Hat "Blind Faith", I.P.A.)
The candles are burning.
Ambiance.
Atmosphere.
Peace.
There is nothing that could make me feel any more content with my world right now.
Almost nothing.
Almost nothing.
The music is hypnotic.
The fire is comforting.
My cat is my muse.
I am happy.
But for one thing.
If I had that one thing.
Just one thing.
Tonight.
...yeah.

Still Reigning

This weekend was delightfully dark.
The weather was cold and overcast. Ideal conditions for my vampyric nature. I decided to catch up on a video game that I started about a year ago.
It has been difficult to muster up any interest in my games since last spring, when I moved into the castle.
Being on top of the mountain, there is a constant exposure to the sun.
It was easier when I lived in the cave, half way down the mountain.
It was always dark.
I will , however, welcome the warming solar rays when the temps drop down to 20 degrees, but except for that, the light annoys me.
I finished the video game. Killed the bad guy and saved the world.
Planet Dandy is safe from evil once more... Almost.
Enter SLAYER, demonic rock band.
They filmed their performance, which I attended, in Augusta Maine, this last summer.
Having been there, I couldn't wait to get the DVD and was happy to see my tortured face in the crowd down front.
I will now live forever in the annals of Rock n'Roll history.
I have tickets to see them again next week.
Yeah, I'll be down front!
One quirky observation of mine about SLAYER.
Their last album was called, "God Hates Us All", and that was released on 9-11-2001. (yes, that very day)
The new DVD, Reign in Blood, LIVE. "Still Reigning", was released on 11-2-2004. Election Day!
Still Reigning?
Get it?
(Four more years of Evil?)
I don't think I can fight "that" evil with my video games...
but playing them...
may help me forget.

Fatso Pussycat, Kill Kill

My cat is staring at me.

I am casually enjoying my evening at home,

but my cat is staring at me.

I have a comfortable home. It's a cozy castle heated by fire.

I don't work tomorrow, so I am enjoying a few cocktails tonight.

And, she stares at me!

Sitting in my lazy-boy recliner is my fat little Cayo.

She always gets the good seat.

I would sit on the floor before I would make her move.

She knows that.

And still, she stares.

Intimidating me.

Waiting for me to fuck up.

But, I am her primary care provider.

My wood stove is blazing, the outside temp is plummeting, and even tho she is sprawled out luxuriously in a cozy nest of blankets in MY lazy-boy, she stares at me.

"What!?"

"Jesus! "

"What!?"

She is waiting for me to pass out. I know it!

You should see the size of the mice she brings home to eat in front of me. She is working herself up to something bigger...

O.K. I may be paranoid, but...

Well, I really can't talk now.

She suspects something.

She is staring at me.

I am here for her.

Do YOU have a cat?

or...Does a cat... have YOU?

GWAR AM I ?

A friend and I went to a GWAR concert last night in Portland Maine.
On the way, I some how passed the city and got lost. I do that every now and then. At least going to Portland, I do.
They should install a bright light there so it looks like a city or something. One mile out of the way, and you're in the woods again with no point of reference.
Having been thru this before, I jumped on the first exit available.
On previous trips to the dark city, I found the exits to be scarce when you need them, and taking an exit doesn't necessarily tell you where you are.
My sense of direction failed me, and not wanting to drive for half an hour in the wrong direction (again), I stopped at the first open business I saw. One lonely pizza shop on a dark neighborhood street.
I pulled my truck up to the front door and could plainly see an elderly woman, alone in the store, watching us walk in. In an effort to keep it polite and simple, I said, "I am lost, Which way is it to downtown Portland?" This woman looks at me and says,"Which way are you going?"In a split second, my quick wit supplied me with several sarcastic answers. Among them, "The WRONG" way, obviously!"Looking over my shoulder to the front door, then back at the nice lady gave me the time to quell any such comments and simply say, "Whichever way you tell me to go, dear."Pointing, she says, "Go that way till you come to a traffic light, turn left, and it will take you straight to downtown Portland."My buddy asks her if she has a bathroom.She says, "no." We say, "thanks."Two blocks after the left turn at the traffic light, we came to a "T" in the road and had to choose left or right."Straight to Portland, My Ass!"We decided that she probably DID have a bathroom!We chose left, and made it to the concert.The GWAR show defies description. It falls somewhere between "Kill Bill volume one", and "Dead Alive"(final scene).Non stop blood and multicolored bodily fluids pumped and sprayed at the audience full force, for an hour and a half.When the show was over, Every inch of our skin was wicked-witch green, with streaks of red and blotches of blue.Stopping for gas on the way home proved fun as well.(Remember, we're in Maine.)This time, it's was an elderly man, running the gas station alone in the middle of nowhere at 1:00 am. He has a curious stare as we walk in. I attempt humor with, "So, You get many colored folks around here?"No response.Oh, well.We had fun.In retrospect...It doesn't really matter where you are going. Getting there can be half of the fun.It's all good...on Planet Dandy!

Tijuana Taxi Ride

Crossing the border into Mexico is simple. Just walk thru the turnstile, and you're there.
Getting to Tijuana (T.J.) from the border, requires a taxi.
This is fun.
My first time, as with most things, was the most memorable.
December 1989.
There were five of us. Three of us shared an apartment in San Diego (I had just moved in, from Michigan) .The other two were down from L.A.
We walked thru the turnstile. "Yay, we're in Mexico", then, after wading thru the children selling Chicklets, we met our cabbies.
All of them holding their Cabbie I.D.'s up as they bid for our fares.
"How many of you?"
"Five of us."
"$4.00 each"
another one bids...
"$3.00 each"
We hesitate, then another driver bids "$2.00 each" and ushers us towards his taxi.
"Sweet, Tijuana for two bucks!"
We didn't even care that when we got to the taxi, it already had four people waiting in it, ha! That made ten people in the cab including the driver.
But then came the ride.
Forget that every one was on someone else's lap, and they were probably on someone else's lap as well. But, instead, think that this cab driver wants to get to T.J. and back as quickly as possible so he can fill his taxi (and wallet) with another nine or ten of Americas finest young partiers.
Just use your imagination on this next part.
Picture us, zig-zagging thru traffic at high speeds. Imagine our simultaneous screams. The kind of screams you hear from a roller coaster as it creeps over the summit and starts it's downward plummet towards a curve in the track.
"Whoooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaashit!"
What a wild ride. Mr Toad had nothing on us!
We were dumped on some street corner in front of what I suspect was probably the drivers cousins cantina where we would meet his sister (a virgin). That is only my speculation, hehe, and we never met his sister. I don't think, anyway.
So...

If you ever hear some crazy story about a Tijuana Taxi?

Just believe it!
And, you know what else?

We never even told him where we wanted to go, but I'm pretty sure we got there.
Getting home after a night of cheap tequila shots and beer?

hmmm...
That was another adventure!

Send Post Cards & W-Tips to...

PLANET DANDY WORLD HEADQUARTERS
P.O.BOX 945
BELFAST, MAINE, 04915
U.S.A.

W-TIPS

I was trying to think of a profound revelation that I could share. Something to make you think . Or, at least make you believe that I can think.
Nothing.
I guess you can't rush something like that, and have it be real. So, let me tell you what happened to me last night. At least maybe you can think I'm cool.
About 10 years ago, on Mtv, there was this show called "Squirt TV". It was hosted by this funny, 15 year old kid named Jake. The show also featured Frankie, another kid, as a regular .
Every show had the coolest guests. Every one from Kevin Smith, to Beck , Liz Phair, and the Beastie Boys. (even Gilbert Godfried)
Anyway, I got a kick out of it!
On one show he showed off this box of W-Tips. "They are just like Q-Tips, except, they're W-Tips." I still laugh when I think about it, lately that's been a lot.
So I went on this mission to find me some W-Tips. Nothing, Nowhere. Not even on e-Bay.
I did some searching around the internet and I find some contact info for Jake, who is now 25.
So, I e-mailed him last night, (not knowing if it would ever get read). Briefly telling him of my quest for the Holy W-Tips.
And he answered me!
Now this guy, lives in New York City, is active in radio, television, theater, writing, and hob-nobs with all the coolest people on the planet, and on a Saturday night in New York City...Jake, e-mails ME!
On top of that he tells me he forwarded my letter to Frankie, as well.
I'm feeling pretty special about right now.
I mean, last year I met SLAYER.
Last month I met Alice Cooper
And last night?
An E-mail from Jake!!!
Well, the only thing that's left right now is to find them damned W-Tips.
Am I cool yet?

"...that stupid fucking guitar." (Kurt Cobain)

129 DAYS LATER

There were many days of my existence that could easily compete for the title of "The Best Day of My Life." Maybe , I will explore some of them at another time. For now, the day that comes to mind, is the day that I saw NIRVANA.

Not so much the actual seeing of NIRVANA, as the the events of that day. It was November 27, 1993. I was living in Key West, Florida. A perfectly beautiful day. The show was to take place in Miami and the friend I would travel with drove a topless Jeep. How cool is that! Now, to get to Miami, the only way by "land" is to take Route 1, also known as the longest dead end road in the America. It spans from Key west, to the Canadian border in Maine. But from Key West to the Florida mainland is about 100 miles of bridge known as the Overseas Highway. On this stretch of road is the Marathon Bridge. It was blown up in the movie "True Lies", staring Arnold Schwartzeneger and Jamie Lee Curtis. This big scene, featuring a harrier Jet, delivery trucks and explosions, was to be filmed on location on this very day. Now, this meant that anyone wanting to travel north to the mainland, would have to do it before 10 a.m., as the bridge would be closed for most of the day. Whatever, fine with me. I'm going to see NIRVANA .

We seen the Jet parked at the edge of Marathon Island, as well as cameras and trucks and military personnel. (think of me during the bridge scene if you ever see "True Lies", I was there.)

What a beautiful ride. Warm, sunny, the wind blowing thru my long hair, and not a care in the world. My favorite feeling is to not have to hurry or worry. Nothing but blue sky above me, and blue water as far as the eye can see in either direction. Bouncing from island to island like some cosmic connect the dots game. We listened to a lot of NIRVANA, and arriving in Miami so early in the day, we were able to explore record shops, an outdoor mall on the waterfront, and the Hard Rock Cafe. It has a giant green Gibson Stratocaster on the roof that slowly rotates. It could also be seen from the amphitheater next door where the show was to be held. Later during the concert, people would be throwing frizbees on the stage and Kurt Cobain would say, "Instead of throwing things up on stage, why don't you go next door and throw rocks at that stupid fucking guitar!"

They put on an awesome show that night, and did a fair amount of damage to the stage props and equipment, as would be expected from the best "grunge" band in the world. I bought one of every NIRVANA concert shirt that was available that night, and was especially happy I did when the ride home proved to be less than warm. In fact, it was down right cold. Living in Key West can spoil you. You forget that it gets cold in other places, like driving across the ocean at night. I still have the shirts, and the seven mile bridge is still there. It was a perfect day.

I totally worshiped NIRVANA at the time.( and probably still would, but I'm a little bit between deities at the moment.) If I could live any day over again, this would probably be the day that I would choose. It was NIRVANA in Paradise.

129 days later, Kurt was dead.

I, MONSTER

I was sitting here watching a horror movie a few nights ago. (You know the type. Where some lost travelers make a wrong turn, and the unseen local psycho gets them, one by one.) Then , I found myself looking over my shoulder a couple times in response to the surround sound on my entertainment system.
Now... I know... that there is no one behind me.
I live in the middle of the woods, on a mountain-top, at the end of a dead end road, and I can plainly see if anyone is even remotely near.
Still...
I jump at the heavy breathing of "I'm gonna get you."
hehe,
at this point I laugh to my self when I realize, hey, the middle of the woods? The end of a long dead end road? The middle of nowhere on a dark night?
If there IS anyone out there, THEY are the ones that should be scared!
...I ...am at home
... I... AM the MONSTER!
... "I ...am going to get ...YOU!"

Kiss My Aura, Dora

I wonder how big an aura is.

Wouldn't it be cool if we could see our auras, and they emanated one or two feet around our bodies. Maybe only in special light. Like a black light.

Imagine everyone's auras glowing at a party. An orgy of light.

What if the color of your aura reflected your mood, and when your aura overlapped with someone else's, they would join and become a pulsating rainbow.

Of course, your auras would need to be compatible or nothing would happen.

Now throw in a physical feeling, like an orgasm, when that compatible aura met yours. That would take safe sex to a whole new level.

O.K., this is silly.

But seriously, folks! Haven't you ever felt your whole body tingle and hum, just being near somebody?

Any... Body?

I have.

Hmmm...

It's Real Angora!

TERRITORIAL PISSINGS

As I look around my castle, I notice that many of my possessions are adorned with stickers.
I just realized that they are my territorial pissings.
Objects that I've always had, and always will have, are meticulously decorated with stickers (mostly of a rock n roll theme) and have been dubbed ...Rock n Roll Trunk, Rock n Roll Stools, Rock n Roll Blender, etc... They keep me safe.
Whenever I relocate, they are around me, and I know that I am at home.
My pissing is done tastefully, and I never waste a sticker on something like a stereo component, or doors and walls. Those things are temporary objects in my life. They will die or I will leave them, and a good sticker will be with me forever.
I like my stickers, they are memories.
I also save special stickers by putting them on magnets. Now I can have a Rock n Roll Refridgerator where ever I go.
They keep me safe. I will always treasure my stickers.
I will always be safe.
Safe in my castle.
My Rock n Roll Castle,
here,
on Planet Dandy.

ORANGES PORNGES

Well, I wasn't planning on starting a blog tonight, but one thing leads to another when surfing the high seas of the net, so I'm throwing this thing in the water to see how it floats. I really don't even know why I need a blog. Maybe it's like a diary. We will see. Stay tuned, and, Who says, "there ain't no rhyme for oranges!" Welcome to my Planet.