Beyond Dandy

PLANET DANDY has moved to LIVE JOURNAL
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But...As long as you are here...
Check out the archives!
or, read this...

I have condensed all of my poetry and a few of my older unique stories into one convenient location.
Now you can read only the artsy fun stuff from all of my sites without having to sift through the daily uninspired rambling rants of my diary.
It's like my very own greatest hits record.
Since many of my readers seem to come from blogspot, I am not even sure how many of my words are being seen on my live journal.
Also, most of my favorite stuff was written awhile before many of you started visiting my sites.
It's hard enough to keep up with all of the new stuff out there and I really don't expect anyone to dig into my archives, therefore, I did it for you.
Thank you to every one that visits Mondo Dandy and Planet Dandy Live Journal.
This new site is for you.
Short attention span theater is only a click away.
Friends, I give you...(drum roll, please)...
BEYOND DANDY!

The Tree Verses Me

ME

I'll not be raking leaves this year
I'll not be raking leaves
The wind-
It blows
And then it snows
Soon winter will be here.

They've been hanging 'round all summer
And next spring-
They'll still be here
Why should I rake
And do today
What I can put off till next year.

THE TREE

The icy breath
Of winter death
Surrounds my form so old.
My naked limbs
Scratch at the sky
And frolic in the cold.

Shroom Shtick

So, there I was, applying some Campbells Cream of Mushroom Soup to my under arms. This is done easily by opening both ends of the can and pushing the firm soup substance out of one end.(Not at all unlike speed stick.) This way I can keep that garlicky mushroom aroma with me all day.
As I'm doing this, I look at the can and notice a blue banner across the label that says, GREAT FOR COOKING.
Wow, I thought to myself. Had I not read the label, I may never have thought of that application to my mushroomy friend.
So, I tried it, and it was true. It really is great for cooking!
Shroom Shtick. Mmm, mmm, good!

Bottle Rackets

While sitting here at the computer eating my breakfast of potatoes and eggs, I began to ponder marketing schemes and how they have a way of sneaking into your home no matter how shielded you may feel from commercial invasion.
The label on my Heinz Tomato Ketchup is proudly screaming that is NEW by virtue of it's FRIDGE DOOR FIT bottle. It has bold letters and yellow banners to make sure I notice. It even has two separate pictures that show me how it fits on the shelf in the fridge door.
I try to remember how I've lived so long without this version of the product that I love so much. Gone are the days when I had to bungy strap the bottle to the butter tray. Never again will I have to super glue it to the milk bottle. Finally a ketchup bottle that I can simply place on the shelf in the fridge with ease.
This is the greatest thing since they started putting shampoo in plastic bottles.
Are you old enough to remember that revelation in consumer convenience? The television ad showed the guy in the shower who couldn't get to the shampoo, so he calls to his wife, "Honey, could you hand me the shampoo?" As she passes it to him over the shower curtain, his soapy hands let the bottle slip and fall to the floor...but it doesn't break... It bounces!
Because it's PRELL SHAMPOO, in the NEW UNBREAKABLE BOTTLE!
I used to wonder why it wasn't in the shower already. Where else are you going to keep the shampoo?
It is my new theory that it was probably on the shelf in the fridge door. Because, as we just learned, it would be years before the ketchup would ever fit there!
Get yours while supplies last.
Not available in some stores.
Void where prohibited.

SPUN

I noticed a while back that the rotating mechanisms in both my micro-wave oven, and my rotisserie oven will randomly spin clockwise, or counter clockwise. And by stopping them and starting again, I can designate which way the food will spin while cooking.
This may sound unimportant to most of you, but to me...
It's crucial that the food spins clockwise.
I don't know why...I'm just funny that way.
(Actually, I'm funny in a lot of ways, but this is the only way I'm talking about today.)
So, anyways, it's established,
I have to cook in a clockwise rotation!
There I said it!
Another thing that I discovered is that if I accidentally over cook my food...I can un-cook it by using the counter clockwise method.
Really, I wouldn't lie to you!
So kids, don't try this at home... Or do.
Why should I care?
Besides, this probably won't work for you, because...

1. You're not me.
2. You don't live on Planet Dandy.

This ends today's episode of The Galloping Dan-de'.
I swear that everything I've just said is true to the best of my imagination!
Sucks not to be me, don't it!

I've Got Blisters On My Fingers!

Damn!
I've finaly given up on summer and have elected to dedicate my spare time to the masacre of my wood piles. That meaning the chainsawing of my fire wood for my winter heat.
It's all piled up and split, all I have to do is cut each piece in half so it will fit into my wood stove, and then stack it neatly in my wood sheds.
I started today as a normal work day so that I would get an early start and make use of my morning energy. I usualy fizzle out after a few hours even though I can be on my feet indefinately. (My normal day spans 11 to 14 hours from the time I leave for work until the time I get home.) I had my coffee and eggs and spent a relaxing few minutes of quality time with my cat, and then, all energetic and raring to go, I set out to tackle my chores.

My chainsaw won't start.

I know from experience that if I don't start it just right the first time, it won't start at all.
I also know that if it doesnt start right the first time, I will keep yanking on the damn cord until I am out of breath and my back is screaming at me. Not that I can actualy hear my back screaming over the sound of my own verbal outbreaks of the colorful language that is synonamous with Turets Syndrom.

Anyways, here I am now, venting to the computer as an alternative to breaking something.
I do feel a little better now, though.
I will give the chainsaw a little more time to heal it's own stuborn way and try again when we've both cooled down a bit.

In the meantime, two of my fingers are bleading from broken blisters acrued this morning as a result of my first attempt at the Planet Dandy Chainsaw Massacre.
Oh well, now it looks like rain.
I'll give it another try before the weather talks me into blowing the whole thing off.
First I need to lick my wounds...
and then I'll Git' er Done!

Blame Canada

I just had another Birthday. This year was uneventful. I went to work, I came home. The whole day I was slightly catatonic from the heat wave. Compared to last years birthday, though, it was a blast.
Last year I was with my cat in my truck, which was broken down in the middle of nowhere, Canada. I was on my way to Michigan from Maine. It was raining and I ate some of those truck stop stay awake pills so I could drive straight through. My 30 hour drive turned into about a 55 hour trip after I broke down on some dark highway. I got towed to a service station at around 2 a.m. on a Sunday and had to wait till they opened at noon. Unable to sleep, I was sitting in the truck in a rainstorm with my cat. Waiting, waiting, waiting...Around 4:00, they had me back on the road. Some birthday that was.
So for this years birthday to be a total blah, was a relief in contrast. Yay!

Peep Show

in and out. in and out. in and out.
just a little game the sun is playing with me today.
clap on. clap off.
oooh, it's dark and rainy...no, wait a second, it's bright and sunny.
either I'm going to mow my lawn, or I'm going to watch TV and cook all day.
oh, what a bother!
I'm going to light the charcoal, open a beer, and grill chicken.
rain or shine.
eat, drink, and be happy.
the church of Jim.
grilling for Jesus.
oh...the lawn?
let it grow.

Holidazed and Confused

Planet Dandy is on vacation for awhile.
I apologize for not writting lately.
I would rather write nothing, than write something stupid.
Recent highlights in my life include meeting Dweezil Zappa last week, and going to another Nine Inch Nails concert this week.
Things ain't too shabby right now for me.
Stop by from time to time, I just don't know when I will feel like posting.
Thanx, see me 'round.

exodus

I'm....fading ..........away

Night Shift

I was awoken around 3:00 a.m. this morning by the rustle of activity on the floor near my bed. I reached over and turned on a night light to see what I already suspected was going on. My cat was sitting there toying with a mouse. And since she was aware of my alertness, she serviently picked the mouse up in her mouth and sat facing me for my approval. Not wanting to disappoint her for her good work, I scratched her on the head, gave her the "Good Girl", then turned the light off and let her get back to her night job.
It's not likely that the mouse was upstairs in my bedroom. She caught it in the kitcken or pantry down stairs and transported it to our upstairs lair specificaly for my approval.
Normally, if it were still alive, I may have praised her for her work and then set the beast free with a where did it go? look on my face. Then she could continue with the thrill of the chase. But tonight I didn't want to get out of bed and walk down stairs to release it outside. Sometimes it's best to respect her work and let her reap the pleasure of fresh meat.
Next I'm laying there thinking, if it gets away, how long will it live in my bed springs or closet? Will it raise a family in my room? Should I at least take it down to the wood shed? I turned the light back on to see her laying on the floor in the sphinx position facing the closet.
The beast was free.
Well, I've been here before. She won't give up untill the game is over. Let her have her fun, I say.
At 5:00 a.m. She still hadn't moved. Patience is a virtue, or so they say.
I have to go to work now. I'll be gone all day.
Her work will go on until she conquers the beast that lives somewhere in my room.
I'm just happy that she'll have something to do while I'm gone.
Experience will tell me to watch my step while entering the house in the dark tonight. She allways leaves me the liver and the head.
I love that darn cat.

Gross Plethora

There are so many things that I want to write about that I just can't decide on which topic to tackle first. Therefore, I will just throw a few topics on the table and you can discuss them amongst yourselves and save me a little hassle. OK?

1. Wild Cards.
   
2. Left Handed Swizzle Sticks.
3. Static Shock Therapy.
4. The Department of Redundancy Department.
5. How to Stay Awake While Sleepwalking.
6. Animal Alcoholism.
7. What Makes a Weed a Weed, and If You Put Weed in a Pot Does it become A Pot Pot, a Plant Planter, or a Pot Plant Pot Planter?
   

But seriously folks, I do have a lot to say and just didn't think that I had the mental energy to say it right now, so I wrote this as a cop-out and ended up using the same time and energy anyways. So, stay tuned, there is more exciting banter on the way. Thank you for coming. (or however you reacted.)

In the words of The Ghoul..."Stay Sick, Turn Blue, Scratch Glass, Climb Walls. And Most Important Of All...Do It While You Can, But Don't Get Caught!"

Bye

(The Famous) Mark's Dad's Red Tie

It was coming apart at the seams, so I had to fix it up to make it presentable enough to wear to a rock concert. I did this by rolling up some little pieces of duck tape, sticky side out, placing them inside it, then reshaping and ironing it into it's former proud self.
This tie had history. It belonged to the father of a friend of mine. My friend Mark had wore it when he played guitar in our band over twenty years ago. Wearing it on the outside of a collarless pull over shirt, it was Rock n' Roll. It was only on stage for one night but the red tie hung around with me for years. Last night it rocked again.
This time I gave it the dignity of wearing it with a collar and leather suit jacket befitting of a Wilco show.
Once again proving that Rock n' Roll Never Forgets.

Say Uncle

I just finished doing my income taxes. I used one of those on-line services.
Last year was a typically simple year for me financially so there was nothing complicated about filing. After entering all of the personal and financial information that was required of me, my refund was automatically calculated.
To get my money back, all I had to do was click that last little button.
SUBMIT.
There was just something about that word that made me feel like someone was sitting on top of me waving my milk money over my head, saying...
"You want your money, punk? You want your money? Here it is... Say Uncle!"

SUB-MIT (verb) To surrender to the authority, discretion, or will of another.

(haha, I was just about to post this blog when I realized that to do that, I must click the Submit button. Aaarrrgh!)

"Uncle!"

Got Mud?

It's Back!
The mile and a half of primordial black ooze brought on by the warming temperatures, falling rain, and the rising swamp.
The Mud, My Driveway.
The Bog of Despair. A White Knuckle Ride.
Requiring constant attention to traverse, one lapsed second of navigational precision and it will pull you under.
The Mud, The Hunger.
The Taste of Spring.

Soul Sacrifice

I feel so groovy, man.
Watching the Woodstock concert on my T.V.
Burning a candle that I made myself.
Outside my window the sun... slowly... sinks...looking like a red water balloon flattening out into a yellow aura that hugs the top of a nearby mountain as it fades from pink to purple to black.
The light shifts from the horizon to my table where the candle now seems brighter than a few minutes ago.
I embrace the night.
Now... 'scuse me... while I kiss the sky!

Outa Sync

Aah! It's a beautiful grey cloudy day. Ideal conditions for just laying around and watching the television. The trouble is that I have nothing new to watch. I also have a thousand things I want to get done around the house today.
My plan today was to clean all of the unessential electronic junk away from my computer area here in the kitchen to make room for my new computer that will arrive tomorrow. This would entail cleaning my bedroom to make room for some of the stuff, and eventually rearranging the dungeon as part of the domino effect that occurs during such an operation.
But alas, I have not the energy nor the motivation. I'm tired even just thinking about it.
Typical.
That's o.k., I can roll with the punches. I work best under pressure anyways. I can manage being lazy today. I will lay around watching movies that I don't feel like watching. I will eat and I will drink. I will make my hay when the sun shines and today is not the day.
Today, I will enjoy myself.
Before I started writing this I was feeling guilty about not doing anything productive but somehow I've managed to feel good about it. Nothing is something I can do. Viva la laziness!

"The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished."--Ben Franklin

It Came From Outer Space

It came again today.
It knows I hate it.
Of all days to upset my plans.
It chose today.
I wanted to just lay around and watch movies today and I have a pile of movies to watch.
But It came.
I'm forced to be motivated.
I've cleaned, Ive cooked, and I've started my laundry.
I may even have to go outside.
All because of It.
It is a thorn in my side on a would be lazy day.
It is what most want.
It is what many worship.
It is not for me.
Not today.
It is the space invader of my dark.
It is the glare on my screen.
It is a sunny day.
Oh well, It happens.

[I suppose I could set up an extra television down in the dungeon.]

Hexed & Vexed

I'm writing this with the assumption that it will not post.
I just lost a huge page that I tried to post thinking that this site was working again.
If you are reading this,
then that means that it did post,
and once again this site is fucking with me.
All the same,
until I bring in an exorcist...
use the link below to detour to my other site.
Thank You.

DETOUR (Until Site Is Fixed)

PLAN3T DANDY XANGA