Beyond Dandy

PLANET DANDY has moved to LIVE JOURNAL
To get there, Click This!
But...As long as you are here...
Check out the archives!
or, read this...

I have condensed all of my poetry and a few of my older unique stories into one convenient location.
Now you can read only the artsy fun stuff from all of my sites without having to sift through the daily uninspired rambling rants of my diary.
It's like my very own greatest hits record.
Since many of my readers seem to come from blogspot, I am not even sure how many of my words are being seen on my live journal.
Also, most of my favorite stuff was written awhile before many of you started visiting my sites.
It's hard enough to keep up with all of the new stuff out there and I really don't expect anyone to dig into my archives, therefore, I did it for you.
Thank you to every one that visits Mondo Dandy and Planet Dandy Live Journal.
This new site is for you.
Short attention span theater is only a click away.
Friends, I give you...(drum roll, please)...
BEYOND DANDY!

The Tree Verses Me

ME

I'll not be raking leaves this year
I'll not be raking leaves
The wind-
It blows
And then it snows
Soon winter will be here.

They've been hanging 'round all summer
And next spring-
They'll still be here
Why should I rake
And do today
What I can put off till next year.

THE TREE

The icy breath
Of winter death
Surrounds my form so old.
My naked limbs
Scratch at the sky
And frolic in the cold.

Shroom Shtick

So, there I was, applying some Campbells Cream of Mushroom Soup to my under arms. This is done easily by opening both ends of the can and pushing the firm soup substance out of one end.(Not at all unlike speed stick.) This way I can keep that garlicky mushroom aroma with me all day.
As I'm doing this, I look at the can and notice a blue banner across the label that says, GREAT FOR COOKING.
Wow, I thought to myself. Had I not read the label, I may never have thought of that application to my mushroomy friend.
So, I tried it, and it was true. It really is great for cooking!
Shroom Shtick. Mmm, mmm, good!

Bottle Rackets

While sitting here at the computer eating my breakfast of potatoes and eggs, I began to ponder marketing schemes and how they have a way of sneaking into your home no matter how shielded you may feel from commercial invasion.
The label on my Heinz Tomato Ketchup is proudly screaming that is NEW by virtue of it's FRIDGE DOOR FIT bottle. It has bold letters and yellow banners to make sure I notice. It even has two separate pictures that show me how it fits on the shelf in the fridge door.
I try to remember how I've lived so long without this version of the product that I love so much. Gone are the days when I had to bungy strap the bottle to the butter tray. Never again will I have to super glue it to the milk bottle. Finally a ketchup bottle that I can simply place on the shelf in the fridge with ease.
This is the greatest thing since they started putting shampoo in plastic bottles.
Are you old enough to remember that revelation in consumer convenience? The television ad showed the guy in the shower who couldn't get to the shampoo, so he calls to his wife, "Honey, could you hand me the shampoo?" As she passes it to him over the shower curtain, his soapy hands let the bottle slip and fall to the floor...but it doesn't break... It bounces!
Because it's PRELL SHAMPOO, in the NEW UNBREAKABLE BOTTLE!
I used to wonder why it wasn't in the shower already. Where else are you going to keep the shampoo?
It is my new theory that it was probably on the shelf in the fridge door. Because, as we just learned, it would be years before the ketchup would ever fit there!
Get yours while supplies last.
Not available in some stores.
Void where prohibited.

SPUN

I noticed a while back that the rotating mechanisms in both my micro-wave oven, and my rotisserie oven will randomly spin clockwise, or counter clockwise. And by stopping them and starting again, I can designate which way the food will spin while cooking.
This may sound unimportant to most of you, but to me...
It's crucial that the food spins clockwise.
I don't know why...I'm just funny that way.
(Actually, I'm funny in a lot of ways, but this is the only way I'm talking about today.)
So, anyways, it's established,
I have to cook in a clockwise rotation!
There I said it!
Another thing that I discovered is that if I accidentally over cook my food...I can un-cook it by using the counter clockwise method.
Really, I wouldn't lie to you!
So kids, don't try this at home... Or do.
Why should I care?
Besides, this probably won't work for you, because...

1. You're not me.
2. You don't live on Planet Dandy.

This ends today's episode of The Galloping Dan-de'.
I swear that everything I've just said is true to the best of my imagination!
Sucks not to be me, don't it!

I've Got Blisters On My Fingers!

Damn!
I've finaly given up on summer and have elected to dedicate my spare time to the masacre of my wood piles. That meaning the chainsawing of my fire wood for my winter heat.
It's all piled up and split, all I have to do is cut each piece in half so it will fit into my wood stove, and then stack it neatly in my wood sheds.
I started today as a normal work day so that I would get an early start and make use of my morning energy. I usualy fizzle out after a few hours even though I can be on my feet indefinately. (My normal day spans 11 to 14 hours from the time I leave for work until the time I get home.) I had my coffee and eggs and spent a relaxing few minutes of quality time with my cat, and then, all energetic and raring to go, I set out to tackle my chores.

My chainsaw won't start.

I know from experience that if I don't start it just right the first time, it won't start at all.
I also know that if it doesnt start right the first time, I will keep yanking on the damn cord until I am out of breath and my back is screaming at me. Not that I can actualy hear my back screaming over the sound of my own verbal outbreaks of the colorful language that is synonamous with Turets Syndrom.

Anyways, here I am now, venting to the computer as an alternative to breaking something.
I do feel a little better now, though.
I will give the chainsaw a little more time to heal it's own stuborn way and try again when we've both cooled down a bit.

In the meantime, two of my fingers are bleading from broken blisters acrued this morning as a result of my first attempt at the Planet Dandy Chainsaw Massacre.
Oh well, now it looks like rain.
I'll give it another try before the weather talks me into blowing the whole thing off.
First I need to lick my wounds...
and then I'll Git' er Done!

Blame Canada

I just had another Birthday. This year was uneventful. I went to work, I came home. The whole day I was slightly catatonic from the heat wave. Compared to last years birthday, though, it was a blast.
Last year I was with my cat in my truck, which was broken down in the middle of nowhere, Canada. I was on my way to Michigan from Maine. It was raining and I ate some of those truck stop stay awake pills so I could drive straight through. My 30 hour drive turned into about a 55 hour trip after I broke down on some dark highway. I got towed to a service station at around 2 a.m. on a Sunday and had to wait till they opened at noon. Unable to sleep, I was sitting in the truck in a rainstorm with my cat. Waiting, waiting, waiting...Around 4:00, they had me back on the road. Some birthday that was.
So for this years birthday to be a total blah, was a relief in contrast. Yay!

Peep Show

in and out. in and out. in and out.
just a little game the sun is playing with me today.
clap on. clap off.
oooh, it's dark and rainy...no, wait a second, it's bright and sunny.
either I'm going to mow my lawn, or I'm going to watch TV and cook all day.
oh, what a bother!
I'm going to light the charcoal, open a beer, and grill chicken.
rain or shine.
eat, drink, and be happy.
the church of Jim.
grilling for Jesus.
oh...the lawn?
let it grow.

Holidazed and Confused

Planet Dandy is on vacation for awhile.
I apologize for not writting lately.
I would rather write nothing, than write something stupid.
Recent highlights in my life include meeting Dweezil Zappa last week, and going to another Nine Inch Nails concert this week.
Things ain't too shabby right now for me.
Stop by from time to time, I just don't know when I will feel like posting.
Thanx, see me 'round.

exodus

I'm....fading ..........away

Night Shift

I was awoken around 3:00 a.m. this morning by the rustle of activity on the floor near my bed. I reached over and turned on a night light to see what I already suspected was going on. My cat was sitting there toying with a mouse. And since she was aware of my alertness, she serviently picked the mouse up in her mouth and sat facing me for my approval. Not wanting to disappoint her for her good work, I scratched her on the head, gave her the "Good Girl", then turned the light off and let her get back to her night job.
It's not likely that the mouse was upstairs in my bedroom. She caught it in the kitcken or pantry down stairs and transported it to our upstairs lair specificaly for my approval.
Normally, if it were still alive, I may have praised her for her work and then set the beast free with a where did it go? look on my face. Then she could continue with the thrill of the chase. But tonight I didn't want to get out of bed and walk down stairs to release it outside. Sometimes it's best to respect her work and let her reap the pleasure of fresh meat.
Next I'm laying there thinking, if it gets away, how long will it live in my bed springs or closet? Will it raise a family in my room? Should I at least take it down to the wood shed? I turned the light back on to see her laying on the floor in the sphinx position facing the closet.
The beast was free.
Well, I've been here before. She won't give up untill the game is over. Let her have her fun, I say.
At 5:00 a.m. She still hadn't moved. Patience is a virtue, or so they say.
I have to go to work now. I'll be gone all day.
Her work will go on until she conquers the beast that lives somewhere in my room.
I'm just happy that she'll have something to do while I'm gone.
Experience will tell me to watch my step while entering the house in the dark tonight. She allways leaves me the liver and the head.
I love that darn cat.

Gross Plethora

There are so many things that I want to write about that I just can't decide on which topic to tackle first. Therefore, I will just throw a few topics on the table and you can discuss them amongst yourselves and save me a little hassle. OK?

1. Wild Cards.
   
2. Left Handed Swizzle Sticks.
3. Static Shock Therapy.
4. The Department of Redundancy Department.
5. How to Stay Awake While Sleepwalking.
6. Animal Alcoholism.
7. What Makes a Weed a Weed, and If You Put Weed in a Pot Does it become A Pot Pot, a Plant Planter, or a Pot Plant Pot Planter?
   

But seriously folks, I do have a lot to say and just didn't think that I had the mental energy to say it right now, so I wrote this as a cop-out and ended up using the same time and energy anyways. So, stay tuned, there is more exciting banter on the way. Thank you for coming. (or however you reacted.)

In the words of The Ghoul..."Stay Sick, Turn Blue, Scratch Glass, Climb Walls. And Most Important Of All...Do It While You Can, But Don't Get Caught!"

Bye

(The Famous) Mark's Dad's Red Tie

It was coming apart at the seams, so I had to fix it up to make it presentable enough to wear to a rock concert. I did this by rolling up some little pieces of duck tape, sticky side out, placing them inside it, then reshaping and ironing it into it's former proud self.
This tie had history. It belonged to the father of a friend of mine. My friend Mark had wore it when he played guitar in our band over twenty years ago. Wearing it on the outside of a collarless pull over shirt, it was Rock n' Roll. It was only on stage for one night but the red tie hung around with me for years. Last night it rocked again.
This time I gave it the dignity of wearing it with a collar and leather suit jacket befitting of a Wilco show.
Once again proving that Rock n' Roll Never Forgets.

Say Uncle

I just finished doing my income taxes. I used one of those on-line services.
Last year was a typically simple year for me financially so there was nothing complicated about filing. After entering all of the personal and financial information that was required of me, my refund was automatically calculated.
To get my money back, all I had to do was click that last little button.
SUBMIT.
There was just something about that word that made me feel like someone was sitting on top of me waving my milk money over my head, saying...
"You want your money, punk? You want your money? Here it is... Say Uncle!"

SUB-MIT (verb) To surrender to the authority, discretion, or will of another.

(haha, I was just about to post this blog when I realized that to do that, I must click the Submit button. Aaarrrgh!)

"Uncle!"

Got Mud?

It's Back!
The mile and a half of primordial black ooze brought on by the warming temperatures, falling rain, and the rising swamp.
The Mud, My Driveway.
The Bog of Despair. A White Knuckle Ride.
Requiring constant attention to traverse, one lapsed second of navigational precision and it will pull you under.
The Mud, The Hunger.
The Taste of Spring.

Soul Sacrifice

I feel so groovy, man.
Watching the Woodstock concert on my T.V.
Burning a candle that I made myself.
Outside my window the sun... slowly... sinks...looking like a red water balloon flattening out into a yellow aura that hugs the top of a nearby mountain as it fades from pink to purple to black.
The light shifts from the horizon to my table where the candle now seems brighter than a few minutes ago.
I embrace the night.
Now... 'scuse me... while I kiss the sky!

Outa Sync

Aah! It's a beautiful grey cloudy day. Ideal conditions for just laying around and watching the television. The trouble is that I have nothing new to watch. I also have a thousand things I want to get done around the house today.
My plan today was to clean all of the unessential electronic junk away from my computer area here in the kitchen to make room for my new computer that will arrive tomorrow. This would entail cleaning my bedroom to make room for some of the stuff, and eventually rearranging the dungeon as part of the domino effect that occurs during such an operation.
But alas, I have not the energy nor the motivation. I'm tired even just thinking about it.
Typical.
That's o.k., I can roll with the punches. I work best under pressure anyways. I can manage being lazy today. I will lay around watching movies that I don't feel like watching. I will eat and I will drink. I will make my hay when the sun shines and today is not the day.
Today, I will enjoy myself.
Before I started writing this I was feeling guilty about not doing anything productive but somehow I've managed to feel good about it. Nothing is something I can do. Viva la laziness!

"The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished."--Ben Franklin

It Came From Outer Space

It came again today.
It knows I hate it.
Of all days to upset my plans.
It chose today.
I wanted to just lay around and watch movies today and I have a pile of movies to watch.
But It came.
I'm forced to be motivated.
I've cleaned, Ive cooked, and I've started my laundry.
I may even have to go outside.
All because of It.
It is a thorn in my side on a would be lazy day.
It is what most want.
It is what many worship.
It is not for me.
Not today.
It is the space invader of my dark.
It is the glare on my screen.
It is a sunny day.
Oh well, It happens.

[I suppose I could set up an extra television down in the dungeon.]

Hexed & Vexed

I'm writing this with the assumption that it will not post.
I just lost a huge page that I tried to post thinking that this site was working again.
If you are reading this,
then that means that it did post,
and once again this site is fucking with me.
All the same,
until I bring in an exorcist...
use the link below to detour to my other site.
Thank You.

DETOUR (Until Site Is Fixed)

PLAN3T DANDY XANGA

Snow Big Deal

Wow, we finally got some snow yesterday. I didn't think it was gonna happen this year. It won't last though. It will rain and melt all of the snow so it wont get a chance to accumulate. Nothing like the shoulder deep snow of last year. Yesterday morning we had no snow. By last night we had about a foot. This morning the sun is shining and the sky is blue. Weird year.
With so much of this winter feeling like spring, I've been spending some of my spare time spring cleaning. This would mean dusting the floor and behind things mostly. My place always looks tidy because I leave all of the surfaces open for my cat to use. It give my home an uncluttered look. Open surfaces in front of all of the windows and other places around the house. For every place that I have to sit, there are about three places surrounding it for my cat. In a way, my cat helps keep the house clean.
There has been no shortage of cold, though. Many nights have been from ten degrees to below zero. That's ok. I love to burn the wood. That's unfortunate though, because I'm almost out of wood. My fuel oil is full, I just don't like to burn it if I don't have to.
Soon... I will have to.
The race to spring. I know it's around the corner. I've given up on winter. Don't tease me with a snow storm. I'm ready to move on.
Makes me wonder though, Last year there was no spring because of the month of rain. Now there has been a winter without snow. What will this summer hold for us?
Somewhere there is an evil French scientist with a giant weather machine and he's messing with my mind. Give him what he wants and he'll go away!
So ends today's random thoughts about nothing much, adieu.

Dr. Feelgood

This is just my observation but I think the best thing about being really sick is that when you feel better, you feel extra good. I'm so happy today that I don't feel sick, that I don't even mind that it is normally my day off and I am going to work anyway. Besides, I want to make up for the two days this week that I came home early due to stomach flu. I have a million things I should do at home, but I wouldn't do them anyway even if I was home. I'm lazy like that. Plus I have all the best excuses. Either I don't feel good, or I feel too good. Today I feel too good not to have a fun day at work. Earlier this week I felt too bad to have fun at home and too bad to function at work. So, here I was at feeling bad that I didn't feel good enough to work while being at home feeling too sick to even take care of myself. Well, now I think I'm talking myself in circles but that's how my brain works sometimes. And that's just the kind of thinking that keeps me from sleeping at night, but that's another problem. Let me sleep on that one and I'll get back to you at another time...
if I feel like it.

What's the Frequency Kenneth?

It's like I've been on the moon for the last two weeks.
Lightning struck my castle and fried various electronic devices including my communications center. I've never felt so out of touch.
I am finally back on line and will resume my blogging again...Just not right now.
For now, I must journey down the mountain and into the village to trade my goods for supply's.
(I gotta go to work so I can buy beer.)
Hang tough, Planet Dandy is still the center of my universe.
I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Night Moves

It was the best of times, and yes... it WAS the best of times.
I turned 18 in the summer of 76. Fresh out of high school, young and cocky with a whole new world waiting for me. The drinking age in Michigan was still 18 at the time and that opened the pub doors to many new experiences. Not the least among them would be regular visits over the next four years to the local Rock n Roll club, the Tanz Haus.

I remember walking through the front doors of the Bavarian style A-frame entrance for the first time. As the door man checked my I.D. to verify that I was of legal drinking age, I scanned the walls with awe. They were covered with framed band promo photographs. It was a "who's who" of Michigan Rock n Roll bands that had frequented the place. Among them, Bob Seger, Brownsville Station, Glen Frey, MC5, Frost, Ted Nugent...and the band I was here to see tonight, Salem Witchcraft.Salem Witchcraft 1978

Being in the latter half of the seventies, I had just missed out on seeing the big name bands before they went big time, but Salem Witchcraft felt like the band that was going to be the next big thing (They were friends with Ted Nugent) and we could see them now in this small club.
The Tanz Haus was located on the outskirts of Traverse City, a small town at the time, in northern Michigan. Being outside of the city limits meant that in the summer, one entire wall of the club would open up access to the outside patio area. This would make the place bigger and less smoky, without any worry of the loud music bothering any neighbors. Being outside, it was also where you could sneak a doobie with your friends.
I remember drinking beers, smoking cigarettes, and trying to pick out the girls that looked like they might want to dance. This was Rock n Roll heaven! I wasn't very good at the dancing part, but when some awesome cover tune of a song from a popular band like Boston or Led Zep would play, success was inevitable. Dancing had two purposes. The first was to meet girls, and the second was to be closer to the band. The dance floor was right in front of the stage.
I recall one Saturday night that we had been looking forward to seeing Salem Witchcraft. A big party came up so we blew it off. That, we would learn later, was a mistake. A couple friends showed up at the party very late and had just came from closing the Tanz Haus. They had the pleasure of sharing their story of Ted Nugent getting up on stage and jamming with the band all night.
"Dude, it was so awesome!"
Arrgh, of all nights not to go!
Oh well. That was a long time ago, and since then have gotten to see the best of the Michigan Rock n Roll bands many times over. Alice Cooper, The Rockets, Bob seger, Mitch Rider, Cub Coda, and even Ted Nugent.
Traverse City is like a real city now and there is a sprawl mart of some kind where there used to be a small Bavarian style Rock n Roll club on the edge of the woods.
I don't think Salem Witchcraft ever became that next big thing, but those were some good times.
They were the best of times and Rock n Roll Never Forgets.
Yes... I was 18 and I liked it!

Sofa King What

Man, these last few months have been a real drag.
Hopefully with the new year upon me and a long awaited blanket of fresh snow shrouding my land, a new attitude will manifest. I long for the fun loving carefree soul that is me.
I'm always best when I can be home with my cat. The wood stove hot and a cold one in my hand. I always have plenty of food and drink. There is no lack of luxury here.
I'm in paradise. I have all the toys in the world. I am a dream come true. I live a charmed life. I'm alive.
If only I could free my mind of the occasional stress of the "real world" out there. Too many sleepless nights lately where my brain will not shut down. That pisses me off! I shouldn't have to drink myself to sleep. (Not that I mind at least a couple times a week.)
But, I don't want to write about negative things. I don't want to feed negativity to myself or project it to you either. It's just that I'm in a bit of a writing slump right now and rather than write nothing, I will just dump this bile here and be done with it.
Nuff said.
Here's looking at a new year and a new attitude.
I've still got of stories to tell and webs to weave.
Step into my lair, but beware.
I bite.

The Hills Have Thighs

Ya know how you get used to a view and then notice when something is out of place?
Well, I was sitting in my throne room having my morning meditations when I noticed that the rock wall next to the forest across the yard was strangely out of place. Some of the large roundish rocks were offset from the rest of the wall. Very strange indeed. On a second inspection I could see that they were in fact moving. The rocks had legs and were feeding on something under the snow.
Oh, it's just the wild turkey! Not the booze, but the actual wild turkey that frequent my land.
Perhaps word of the Thanksgiving outdoor turkey bake has made the rounds and they are circling me to exact their revenge. An interesting thought to start the day with all the same.
The War of the Woods. Haha!
But that's not what I planned on talking about today.

I want to tell you about a headless deer, a four pointed star, and a big ball of light.
I am so mad at my unsuccessful attempts to get into the Christmas spirit this year.
I tried to put lights on the tree in my yard.
I had several boxes of brand new lights and had ran the extension cord across the yard to the tree and begun hanging the lights with the utmost care. I know these things are delicate. I am just about done with the operation when half of the lights on every section went off. I tried jiggling them, then shaking them, then as a finale, I just started tearing at them and ripping them from the tree. I am not going to do the change each little twinkley light bulb one at a time thing to look for the weak link! I don't have that kind of patience any more. Not for a two dollar string of lights. But why would they sell these things in the first place if every string is gonna die that soon? Some kind of anti commercialism conspiracy?
I know I'm not the only one that suffers with this curse.
Driving home from work at night I see everyone's yard decorations lit up and among them is the star on a roof with only four of the five stars lit, and the wire frame deer in another yard that are lit up, except for the head on one of them. And just last night when getting home, the lights string hung around my outside door lost half of it's lights.
That brings us up to the big ball of dead Christmas lights in my wood shed...
and it's growing bigger every day.
While I'm on a rant, I'm sick of Christmas music too!
Every jock that gets on the radio this week for their four hours of fame think that they are going to have the definitive Christmas show. Sure it's only four hours to them, but it's a full week of non stop sap for me!
STOP THE INSANITY!

Ok, ok, I know I'm sounding like a humbug, and I don't even know what a humbug is.
I don't hate Christmas. In fact I did all of my shopping on-line a week before Thanksgiving.
Of course, nothing has arrived yet, so how is that going to make me look to my friends!
And, how's this for timing, the pump to my well burned up yesterday. Now, I've got no water!
I need a good session with Ebenezer Scrooge and his three ghosts to get me back on track.

What I do have is a warm house, a cat that loves me and a spiral ham for Christmas. (God bless the slinky pig that gave it's life for my eating pleasure.)
I think I'm going with no Christmas lights this year and hope that that's the worst that'll go wrong.

There, I've vented. I feel better.
Happy Christmas to you from your friends here on Planet Dandy!

As a footnote, the plumber was just here and he's gotta replace my pump. The good news is that it will be done before I get home from work tonight. So, I guess things are looking up. And since I can't take my shower this morning I didn't cut into my schedule by writing this.

Isolation

Life is getting to me lately.
Not life in general, just life specifically in the world around me.
Actually,
just a couple little teenie things.
So...
I'm going to build a fort in my living room.
A cool fort made of blankets draped over chairs.
I could crawl inside and no one could find me.
A stack of comic books. A bottle of Orange Crush and a flashlight. A party of one!

The people that want to tell me what to do and when to do it won't be able to.
Maybe if I could be invisible. That would be cool too! Just to disappear for a while.
Or... I could just unplug the phone.
Oh bother!
Life.

Remember

It's 10 degrees outside today, here in Maine.
I wonder how cold it was 25 years ago on this day in New York City?
As cold as a killers heart? I doubt it.
Back then I lived in Northern Michigan. I remember cleaning the snow off my car while warming it up for my drive to a neighboring town where my job was. It was late. I worked the graveyard shift in a factory.
I remember turning the car radio on and hearing the news bulletin.
A life altering event had occured tonight, one that was about to grip and unite the world in sadness.

"John Lennon was shot dead tonight in front of his New York City apartment."

I remember turning my car off and going back into the housed in shock and calling in sick.
I would not be going to work this night. I was sick to my stomach. Paralyzed in disbelief.
I lost a hero. The world lost a friend. How could this be?
Just typing this brings tears to my eyes. Why do I feel so connected?
It's been 25 years since he died, but it seems like a day.
John and I go back even further.
My first Beatles album was Sgt. Pepper. I was about 12 years old and it was like a great story book to me. I would listen to every word and in my mind I would see this whole movie playing.
It was more than music to me.
That was just the beginning of course, later I would follow all of the Beatles activities in the news, collecting articles from newspapers and magazines. I would spend hours reading their lyrics and trying to analyze each song, looking up every word and British slang that I didn't understand. It was only later, around the time of the break up, that I went back to Beatlemania and caught up with their entire history.
There was no video then, so I would put a cassette recorder in front of the television set so I could record John Lennon on the Tom Snyder Show, or record the news when Paul McCartney got busted taking marijuana into Japan. And then the night when every channel had special news reports on the death of the Beatle.
I guess my point here is that I grew up with Lennon. It was all very personal to me. The Beatles were the soundtrack to my life so far.
I still have a trunk full of books, newspapers, magazines, rare vinyl, and memories of the Fab Four.
From John, In His Own Write, to Yoko's Grapefruit.
Two Virgins, and The Wedding Album."
Headlines like, "John and Yoko attend the Watergate Hearings."
And from the N.Y.Post, "John Lennon Shot Dead."
I don't really know where I want to go with this story unless it's just to say that I remember.
My tears are real.
And though it makes me sad, I remember the happiness.
I remember the controversy of his honesty.
I remember believing that "All You Need Is Love."
I will continue to believe, and I will always remember.
I will remember someone who had the world at his finger tips and all he asked for was that we... "Give Peace A chance."

New York Post

Don't Be That Guy!

Last night whilst shopping at the local Piggley Dixie Shopping Center on my way home from work...

All I needed was some cat food, butter, and eggs.
What I ended up getting was a bird feeder and a big bag of bird seed as well. This felt like under 8 items until I started putting the 20 cans of cat food on the counter of the express lane.
Beep...beep...beep...beep... (you know the sound of the scanner and a slow cashier)
Meanwhile the line behind me is growing. People with 2 or 3 items.
This wouldn't be too bad except when my total is coming up at $21.95 and I am finding that I only have 11 dollars in my wallet. I know that I had at least 35 dollars when I left the house this morning.
I start digging thru the pockets of my leather jacket pulling out handfuls of change mixed with hair ties and paper clips. The line behind me looks inpatient. That's when I realize...
I'm That Guy!
I'm the customer in the express lane with too many items and unable to make a speedy transaction.
Usually, I am behind that person. Holding one item and in a hurry.
So anyway, as I'm counting coins and approaching around 16 dollars, A hero appears!
An off duty cop that rents movies from me at my video store.
He offers to write a check for the amount that I'm short.
"To Protect and To Serve"
Me, being embarrassed at being That Guy, accept his offer without hesitation.
With him writing a check and me sorting change, at least there are two of us holding up the line now. I feel a little safer from the mob. (not to mention that I knew he was packing a .45 in his coat.)
Now I never meant to be That Guy. I'm never short of cash. I just forgot to restock my wallet.
When I got outside to my truck I found three 20 dollar bills that were tucked in my ash tray for fast food emergencies. Also three 50 dollar bills in my backpack from a recent bank withdrawal, and at least 15 dollars in quarters in a bag for toll booths and such.
I ain't poor, I'm just stoopid. And once in a while...I'm That Guy!
And the cop?
He was one of the people in line behind me.
I love this town!

Smokin'

or...The ol' In and Out

Thanksgiving morning. I'm getting my turkey ready to put in the oven. I have a new pan to cook it in. That old disposable foil pan from previous years has moved on to the recycle center in the sky.
Damn, should have test driven this new pan before today. It doesn't fit in my oven.
Back-up plan. I will cook it in my outdoor smoker. The hard wood chips guaranteed to light without fluid and burns hotter than coals in minutes.
They wont light. I add fuel. They won't light. I add charcoal and fuel. Nothing still.
Plan three. I cram the turkey into a dinky pan just big enough for it's ass. It looks like the 50 foot woman in a 5 foot dress.
I re-heat the oven and the turkey is started once again.
Standing at the kitchen sink, washing the first mess of pans, I see the smoker...Smoking!
I check it and it seems ready cook after all.
Oven off, turkey put back into original pan and it's outside to the smoker.
Beer time.

Three and a half hours and eight beers later...
The turkey tastes awesome. Nice smoky flavour. And the Augratin potatoes that I cooked in the smoker next to it was excellent as well. My cat ate more than her share of turkey and is laying next to the wood stove now. I'm ready for my after dinner cocktails and once more, life on Planet Dandy is as it should be.
And that's a good thing!

The Other Shoe

"What Mr. Wonka Forgot To Tell Charlie"

Still in shock from inheriting the chocolate factory, Charlie wondered what he should do first.
Just then, the Oompa Loompa representative told him that the Oompa Loompas hadn't been paid for two weeks.
The book keeper said that the taxes had not been paid for over two months.
The last rent check had bounced and there were outstanding bills for trash pick up, telephone service,water, and countless medical bills. Willy had not been well these last few months.
Poor Charlie thought that he could just walk in and run the chocolate factory and everything would be well and good, but as it turned out, the cost of running it were greater than the money it actually brought in.
How did Willy Wonka do it?
As it turns out, Willy had been subsidizing the factory with money from his German and Swiss bank accounts. There was also the money he received from the military for his retirement. In reality, the factory was just a hobby.
Poor Charlie.
And now, all of Charlies friends thought that he was rich and wanted him to give them jobs so they could live in the wonderful happy chocolate factory too.
His advisor suggested that he take all the chocolate and wonderful things that he wanted and leave before the tax men came to shut it down. The bad news was that he only had two weeks to get it all out and he still had to continue making chocolate for ten hours a day.
What was to become of poor Charlie now that Mr. Wonka had give him the buisiness?

Nice Daze

Folks sho nuff likes to tell ya how nice a day it is!
The nicer the day, the more they want to tell you about it.
I work in a cave of a shop in a large old brick building, and as soon as someone comes in they say,"It is such a beautiful day out there! What are you doing in here?"
I mean, "Duh! I work here!"
"Do you know how nice it is outside? We could use more days like this! Can you believe how beautiful a day it is? You should be outside enjoying this beautiful day!"
"SHUT UP!, and go have your nice day"
The funny thing is, when the weather is real nasty, they never say anything like, "You sure are lucky to be inside on a day like this! It sure must be nice to be dry and warm."
Nope. It's more like, "I got soaked just running from my car to your door! I have to drive all the way home in this snow storm. Me, me, me, me, Me!"
The same people come to shop on one of them bank holidays when a lot of businesses are closed, but we are open for their convenience.
They always say, "Why are you open today? It's a holiday!"
So, why are you shopping? Shouldn't you be out there having a nice day?
People just gotta rub it in.
So, I say to you, "Have a nice day.
No, Really. Enjoy it!"
Because I'm going to find out where you work and visit you on my day off,
and if it's a nice day...
you can bet your ass I'm gonna tell you about it!
"Have a nice day."

Tainted Love

A Random Rambling Rant

About 2 years ago, when I lived in the cabin that's a little ways down the hill, I was so into movies.
I would look forward to the new movie to be released on DVD and put it in my player.
I would run it thru the previews and right up to where the movie starts...Then, I would pause it.
This is where I would get about three of my favorite beverages and line up the remote controls.
One trip to the bathroom and I'm ready to rock!
After making sure that there are no smudges on my glasses, I would push [PLAY].
The rest was pure non stop 5.1 surround sound pleasure.
Somehow, now that I've been working in a video store for a couple years, I can't seem to focus on a movie for very long.
The very best of the bunch, I can. The new Indy flix and a lot of the foreign films are usually good.
But your general main stream grossed a hundred million dollar movies...Suck.
Now I bring home all of the new releases every weekend. The movies that are not available to rent until the following Tuesday. And I play them all, sometimes without ever hardly looking at the television. I get so easily distracted. Then later, back at the store, everyone wants to know if the new movies are any good..
"Did you see this? Is it good?"
"Dunno," I say. "I didn't watch it."
Oh well, the only reason I brought all of this up is that I was watching T.V. a few minutes ago and my cat was all curled up to me, and I got up for no reason that I could think of.
So, I made drink, looked in the woodstove, nibbled a bit, started typing on this thing, then wondered where my cat was.
Oh!, she's still layin there watchin T.V. and lookin at me like... "Where the hell did you go? Like I got nothin better to do than lay here keeping you warm! I didn't even want this movie, I wanted to rent Mouse Hunt!"
Meanwhile, this weeks hot new release is playing in the background. Lucky me. Maybe I should watch it. Maybe it's good.
Maybe I'll never know.
Maybe I should dust the book shelves.

Trouble In Paradise

My world is in danger of being shattered by a runaway asteroid of unfortunate events. Life as I know it will be changed, most abruptly.
If and when these events occur, it will affect everything from the community that I rely on for inspiration, to the economy that keeps the very existence of Planet Dandy possible. Some of my emotions are running wild in the streets in a state of panic, and parts of me are just staring into space.
Shocked, stunned, wondering and waiting.
What happens when God drops his other shoe?
I'm a creature of habit and I loathe change that is not in my control.
I'm selfish and I'm scared.
All I can do is go about my daily routines until it happens.
Convincing myself that out of everything bad, some good will come.
After today comes tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that.
One step at a time, with my eyes to the sky.
Such is life.

Afraid

I'm afraid of the future,
I'm afraid of my past,
I'm afraid I'm too happy,
and happy don't last.

I'm afraid for my job,
it's too good to be true.
Good things don't last,
then what will I do?

I'm afraid to get old,
I'll be all alone.
Who gets my stuff,
when I'm stuck in some home?

I'm afraid of my truck,
I could run out of gas,
or not make it home,
if I drive it too fast.

I'm afraid of freedom,
it can be taken away.
I'm afraid of a world,
that could make me afraid.

I'm afraid you won't like me,
if my verses don't rhyme.
and now I'm afraid,
that I've wasted your time.

Smooch The Snooch

It's Cayos birthday. She's ten years old.
That's also how many years we've been together.
I like to call her "Snoochie".
She is so beautiful, and I tell her that constantly.
I mean, Look at her. She's georgeous!
She's never done anything to piss me off. Instead, she comforts me.
I kiss her all the time. I can't help it.
She's so faithful and affectionate.
Full of unconditional love.
She loves to snuggle up to me.
If I curl up on the couch, she relocates to be next to me.
When I go to bed, she follows me and curls up at my side.
She's the first thing I see in the morning, and the last thing I see at night.
I've kissed her, at the very least, ten times a day, and that is a vast understatement.
That means that I've kissed her over 36,500 times.
That's a lot of kisses.
I guess you can tell that we are in love.
Happy together.
Even now, she is laying on the floor near my feet.
Our life is good.
Happy Birthday Cayo!

The Succubus

Almost over night it happened.
The change occurred.
The yellow came.
Something is sucking the green from my lush jungle, leaving in its wake a wounded forest.
The trees that stood so proudly all summer guarding and embracing my hilltop paradise are now withering and wearing the rags of fallen warriors.
Orange and yellow adorn these proud giants where only yesterday their emerald armors gave shelter to the creatures of my land.
They may still stand strong.
But soon, they'll stand naked.
These molestations seem to coincide with the chilling of the night.
That's when "she" comes to prey.
To rape the honor of her victims and suck their life into her cold belly.
The only witness, a full, but silent Moon.
I am safe in my castle, for now, but it is a rude awakening.
A subtle reminder of what must be done.
Time is running out.
There are still things I must do.
Preparations to be made...
If I want to be ready for winter.

Planet Dandy "Year One" Complete

Wow, I just realized that it has been a whole year since I started the Planet Dandy Blogs!
Happy anniversary to Me! haha
This year seems like it passed so fast.
I've made a few new friends, and gotten back in touch with a lot of old friends as well.
I've written about everything from Gwar shows, to alien invasions.
(not that there's much difference there.)
I've written about my cat.
Changes in the seasons, extreme weather, Feeders, Spores, Nine Inch Nails, Slayer, and Flying Jellyfish.
What else could I possibly find to write about?
I wonder.
This next year will tell!
As of this writing, 1,371 visits.
I really should've collected a dollar at the door!
Thanx for your visits and your comments.
Planet Dandy Loves You!

Higher Ground

Day five.
The deluge continues.
I am not concerned about the rain that persists its attack. I live on high ground.
Although there is some occasional flooding of a side street down in the village, it too, is on a hill and everything ends up in the ocean...Eventually.
Everything.
Earlier this spring it rained for almost an entire month. That was in June and it affected the whole summer. Gardens were flooded or planted too late and schedules in general were all thrown off balance. It has left me feeling out of synch.
Now, I only wonder if this will have any effect on the winter.
I was actually looking forward to a fresh season for a fresh start. I just wasn't planning on building an ark.
Still, it is soothing hearing the rain on the roof at night, and there is no glare on the t.v. in the day. Those are good things.
Oh well, it just goes to show.
Just when it seems that there's nothing else to talk about...
there is always the weather, and even I, am not above that.
Let it rain.
It's all downhill from here!

Creeping Death

These last days...
The view from the tower where I reside has been consumed by an eerie mist.
The wooded hills and all that is in them, shrouded by the spectral fog.
Sol, a hostage of the elements.
I enjoy the grey serenity. There is something calming about it.
Haunting, yet beautiful.
I watch it make its rounds.
Gliding in and out of the edges of the forest.
Like wraiths on patrol.
Guarding the perimeter of Avalon.
My home.
Planet Dandy.

Slugish

I wish I could remember something that I never even knew.
I wish there was a secret about me that I never got to know.
Some fantastic story so amazing that it would change my life.
An epoch revelation that I was never meant to find out about, but did.
A truth that I was suppose to learn when I turned a certain age but was lost.
Something that would make me question my very being.
What's it like to wake up one morning to find out you were never even who you thought you were?

I suppose it's any poets dream to remove themselves from their own reality to seek inspiration from somewhere unknown to them.
I should just be happy knowing that I am who I am, where I am and enjoy my phlegmatic existence.
Besides, humans are far too complicated and fragile of a species to emulate.

Still...What if?

Pussy

It's Sunday morning. I woke up a feeling little hung over, but then again, I always do, no matter how well behaved I've been.
Not much point in behaving I guess.
Before opening my eyes I stretch my arm over to the right of me and feel her warm body.
I knew she would still be there. She always is, and I take comfort in that.
She is so beautiful in the morning with the sun caressing her body and warming her hair.
I snuggle up to her for a few kisses then sluggishly wander down stairs to start the water for my tea.
Most days she would be right behind me, but today...Not even the sound of the television or the smells and sounds of breakfast tempt her to join me.
Should I have stayed in bed with her? Did she think I would come back? It's hard to know what she expects from me some times.
I prepare my breakfast.
Just as I'm setting my hash and eggs on the table she walks in and sits down. I should have expected this, her timing is impeccable.
She just sits there and stares at me, expressionless.
Now, am I supposed to feel some kind of guilt for something? I hate these awkward moments.
I put a little food on a plate for her. She just looks at it, then walks outside to sit on the back porch which is right outside the kitchen window.
She watches me watch her.
Whatever.
I enjoyed my meal alone while watching some romantic drama unfold on the television.
Now, all that's left, is for me to do the dishes.
Her food will stay on her plate.
She went out for breakfast.
I know this because I can see her from where I sit as I write this.
She went to her usual place. Her favorite place.
She loves sitting in that path that goes through the tall grass in the yard.
She'll sit there for an hour if she has to.
She always gets her mouse.
She's good.
I love my cat.

MONDO DANDY

It's Alive, IT'S ALIVE!!
(insert thunder and lightning)
My new blog site, MONDO DANDY, is now open for your pleasure.
MONDO DANDY will be used exclusively for PHOTOGRAPHS taken by me, with the exception of some photographs that are taken of me, in which case, it's still all about me! (humble lovable me)
I shall be scouring the planet every day to find an interesting view to share.
If I fail to capture something fresh, I will insert something from my historical archives.
Expect the unexpected. From the mundane to the extreme.
From road kill, to the bizzaro dimension that I like to refer to as my life.
MONDO DANDY awaits you!

Snoogins!

All things worthy of writing about, as of late, have been too much about other peoples lives around me and too personal to share so soon. Better left to use as retrospective memory stories later on, after the drama dies down a bit.
Also, I make it a personal policy to keep my stories about me or the magical and strange world around me. (Lately, those elements have been a little blah.)
However, After this weekend I will be unveiling a new multi-media project that will help me with my plans to conquer the world!
So, fear not. There's plenty more of me on the way!
For lack of anything else to submit right now, I have tweaked a couple of my recent blogs.
(Scroll down if you care.)
Snooky, snooky, snooch!

The Mirror

Gaze if you can
through the mirror to your mind,
in search for a soul
that you can not find.
A distorted vision
awaits you there,
a face that no longer
can seem to care.
A life without meaning,
a means with no cause,
transgressions of years
scrawled with blood on the walls.
Surreptitious existence
evolved in your head.
Your questions unanswered
till too late,
you are dead.

(A little ditty I wrote during my Jim Morrison phase back around 1980.)

Lair of the White Worm

Did you ever see a picture of a human brain?
It looks like a giant white worm that has been crammed into a bowl that it can't quite fit into.
Well this morning my worm felt a little swollen from the vodka that I poured into it's bowl,
so to ease it's pain,
I am marinating it in beer.
That should tenderize it just enough to ease the swelling and allow it to lay comfortably numb in the bowl,
leaving just enough room for a few thought to move around without disturbing it...
too much.

Nnngh...err............doh...!

Damn, I was gonna close with a witty comment...
but when I tried to think of it...
my worm started to throb...
and I don't want to wake it...
so this time...
I will just slip..
out...
quietly.

shhhhh...

What's On T.V.?

While taking a random visual inventory of the surroundings in my castle, I thought I would share one corner of it with you.
This is what is on top of my television.

1. A raccoon skull that I salvaged from a road kill.
   
2. The jaw bone of a deer that I found while walking through the forest a long time ago.
3. The wing bone from a pelican that I found on a beach in the Dry Tortugas.
4. An autographed coon dick (raccoon penis bone) necklace that I got from j.t. leroy as part of the promotion for his book, "Sarah."
   
5. Two half burnt flesh colored candles that look like fingers. The wax drips red like blood as they burn.
6. One leopard print votive candle.
7. Three tiny stuffed animals. A polar bear, a leopard print tedddy bear, and Pooh's friend Eeyore.
   
8. Three trendy rubber bracelets, all black, that say, "GETCHA' PULL-DIMEBAG R.I.P.
9. Two colorful wooden match boxes with skeletons and sequins for celebrating the Mexican Day of the Dead.
   
10. A green Alice Cooper snake skin wallet with a Billion Dollar Babies logo medallion on the side and a chain made of the same medallions.
11. A simple iron legged lamp with a classy leopard skin lamp shade that I got at the dollar store.
12. A red and black plastic lizard tail that some one gave me. It was part of something else at a better time in it's life.
    
13. A provocative Disney's Tarzan statuette in the crawling on all fours position.
14. And lastly and leastly...dust. (I ain't no Martha Stewart)
    

That may sound like a lot, but it's all small stuff.
And, I've got a huge television.
Size DOES matter!
Thank you for visiting Planet Dandy.
So now, what's on t.v.?

Igor Found Dead

Crisis struck Planet Dandy last weekend when Igor, the Planet Dandy computer, was found dead.
"It happened so sudden", commented a distrought Jim Dandy. " It was working fine Friday night, then when I tried to turn it on Saturday morning...Nothing! I'm in a state of shock! Every other thing that I do here in Castle Dandy, involves the computer. From using my digital camera and printer, to checking the weather and communicating with my friends on other planets. It could take me months to be able to afford a replacement. How am I going to blog? I wasn't prepared for this."
No memorial service is planned until a full autopsy can determine the actual cause of death. Any donations would be welcomed at;

Planet Dandy Relief Fund
c/o Jim Dandy
P.O. Box 945
Belfast, Maine 04915

Epilogue...
This obituary was hand written by me Monday morning.
It was my plan to use the computer at the public library in the village to post it, so you, dear readers, would know why I was absent from the blogging community.
The library was closed for Labor Day. Damn.
I went to work.
Another unfortunate event on that same day was actualy responsible for me being able to finally post this from my home today.
A friend died Monday afternoon.
So, after me bitching all day about my computer biting the big burrito and wishing I could afford a new one...
it seems that I have inherited his laptop.
Awkward.
Be careful what you wish for.

The Dangerous Kitchen

My refrigerator is haunted.
This morning when I opened the door it threw an egg at me. I don't know how it even got out of the carton, let alone fly through the air at me.
I had to clean it up off the floor.
The second time I opened the door, all of the condiments on the top shelf in the door jumped out at me. Nothing broke but I had to pick them all up from the floor too.
The third time I opened the door, all of the condiments from the bottom shelf in the door did the suicide jump.
What the hell is going on here?
Do I need an exorcist?
Maybe a human sacrifice.
What does it want?
I know what it doesn't want. It doesn't want that dried up tuna sandwich in the back corner, or those shriveled up lime wedges leftover from Cinco de Mayo. And I think I've established that it doesn't want my variety of hot sauces and mustards. But, now that I think about it, every week I stock it up with quality beer and that always seems to disappear! So, since today is Friday, maybe it's a little anxious for the weekly offering. I don't know.
What I do know for sure is this. I was so eager to report this event as it was happening that while preparing my breakfast simultaneously, I burnt my bacon!
Black.
Damn.
To hell with the fridge, I gotta finish breakfast. Bring on the hot sauce!
First breakfast, then I shall do battle with the Ice Box from Hell!
Never a dull moment.
Boogie Chillin'...on Planet Dandy.

A Quick One, Before I'm Away

Well, this is one of those blogger posts where I start out with absolutely no idea of what I'm going to write about. It's just that I only have about 15 minutes before I have to leave to go to work. Therefore, I am making myself type this little quickie, just so I can feel a little less guilty about leaving my adoring public hanging.
"What's up on Planet Dandy?"
"Where's the next exciting story from your checkered past?"
(I can hear the cries of the internet blog readers in my head.)
"Dandy, Talk To Us!"
(O.K., I may be just a little bit full of myself here.)
But Hey, it's summer! I am on a vacation from myself!
I got nuthin' to say today!
I do however feel a small bit of responsibility (at least to myself) to post at least this much once a week.
If even only to say... that, "I got nuthin' to say."
There, I said it.
I feel so cheap!
Was it good for you?

WONDERFUL

I went to a Circle Jerks show at a small club in San Diego back in 1989. To avoid the mosh pit and still enjoy the show up close, I sat on the edge of the stage. When I heard the bass line intro for the song 15 Minutes, I yelled "15 Seconds!"
Kieth Morris, the singer, looked at me and said, "It's 15 Minutes, man!"
Oops, my bad.
At some other point, another fan handed Keith a quarter. Between the next few songs he would pull the quarter out of his pocket and flip it a couple of times saying, "I've got a quarter." Then he would put it back in his pocket.
So, I got an idea.
While he was singing in front of me I handed him a dollar and he put it in his pocket.
Then, after the next song, he pulled the dollar out of his pocket and said, "I don't need a dollar, man. I've got a quarter." And he handed the dollar back to me.
At the end of the show I got to shake hands with each of the band members as they left the stage.
I was in heaven that night.
The Circle Jerks were my favorite band back in those days and I still love them.
I even have a tattoo of their skank man logo on my leg.
I still have the dollar, too.
I wonder, though, does he still have the quarter?

Breakdowns

To begin this story about something that happened to me two weeks ago, I feel that I need to start it with a similar event that happened to me almost 30 years ago. (ouch!)
I was about 18 years old and traveling from Salt Lake City Utah to Pekin Illinois in a "66 Ford Econoline Van. Every thing I owned at that time was in that van. Guitars, Amps, record albums, clothes, and an Afghan Hound named Burt.
Somewhere around Nebraska or Iowa I broke down. Mechanically and mentally. The bearings on the drivers side front wheel melted fusing it into a smoking mess of hot metal. The wheel fell off.
I have never felt as lost as I did then.
I was in the middle of nowhere with nothing but corn as far as the eye could see. Me with long hair, wearing bell bottoms jeans and a vest with a big marijuana leaf embroidered on the back. I had a long haired hippy looking dog, no money, no experience, and no clue.
I cried.
I remember asking Burt what I was going to do. He was clueless and careless.
The important details here are a little foggy. (it was the 70's, ya dig?)
Suffice to say that somehow with the help of a local farmer with welding skills and a kind heart, I got back on the road. I remember him saying that he would hope that someone would help one of his kids if they were in trouble far from home.
Eventually, after two more minor breakdowns,one of them mechanical, I made it to my destination. I don't know how but I made it. You can not begin to imagine the deluge of relief that that flooded my being.
I went thru so much stress those few days that, even then, I knew nothing could ever be as bad as that. Now, whenever I ever break down I am always thankful that at least I'm in my own town, or my own state, or whatever. I can always imagine how much worse it could have been. I can always find a way to put it into perspective.
Deja vu.
A couple weeks ago while taking a short cut to Michigan from Maine through Canada, I break down.
It's Sunday morning, around 2 a.m. my head lights started fading. At first I thought it was the rain storm making it look that way, but then the sputting began and I limped half way up an exit ramp and on to the shoulder of the road just as everything died. Using my limited automotive skills I cleaned up my battery terminals hoping for a simple remedy. That may or may not have helped. I got about a half mile further to a gas station where at least there was light. Then it went completely dead.
I'm in the middle of nowhere, in the dark, in the rain, with a cat named Cayo, and no clue.
hmmm, I've been here before.
Fortunately, this time I have a cell phone and call AAA. (that's CAA in Canada, eh?)
I get towed to a garage that conveniently will be open on Sunday, and I wait.
I wait a long time. The thunder storm continues and I wait.
Talking to my Cayo, I apologize for putting her thru this, because I know she has no idea why we are just sitting in the truck for so long. I also praise her for her patience. She was very calming.
The garage opened at 10:00 and I gave them my sad story of being stranded in a strange land, waiting for 8 hours in the rain with my cat, while trying to get home to see my mother, and to top it off, it's my birthday! (it really was!)
Two and a half hours (and $500) later, I had a new alternator and battery and was on the road again. At this point I've been awake for 30 hours and still have another 7 hours of driving left. I should have been there by now. Oh well.
Keep On Truckin'!
It could have been a lot worse. That was the last exit for a long time and had I broke down a mile further down the road, I don't know where I would've ended up. I definitely wouldn't have been able to tell the tow truck driver where to find me. Then, to actually have parts and service on a Sunday was a miracle.
As bad as it was, I've been thru worse.
I've paid my dues and it don't pay to panic!
This time the breakdown was strictly mechanical.
It's all easy to laugh at now that I'm home again.
Back in Maine.
Safe on Planet Dandy.
Some Birthday, eh?

Temple of the Road

I, your wizard, am about to embark upon a hazardous and technically unexplainable journey into the outer stratosphere, to confer, converse, and otherwise hob-nob with my brother wizards.
I am long over due for a road trip and things have suddenly worked out in my favor for me to take two weeks off from work to dust my broom.
I believe the course of my life was recently changed by N.A.S.A.'s Deep Impact Project when it nudged the Temple 1 comet into a slightly different orbit, thusly altering my destiny.
This will positively the finest expedition ever to be shown.
And I hereby decree until what time, if any, that I return, the Feeders (by virtue of their superior brains and eyesight) shall rule in my stead.
Assisted by the Blood Sucking Freaks (by virtue of their voracious appetite) and the Flying Jellyfish (by virtue of their shocking disposition).
Fear them as you would me.
Hopefully, I shall return with exotic treasures of wild new tales from the road and the knowledge of which side of the rainbow I actually live on.
Leave a light on, I'll be back soon.

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Nothings Shocking

While laying on my lawn with my cat, enjoying the perfection of a summer day, I observed how much life was in the air just above the ground. Grasshoppers, mosquitoes, pollen, and all of those seeds from plants that float on the air. Dragonfly's, butterfly's, and winged things that I can't even name. So much traffic going every which way. Some of it was landing on me looking for it's next meal. The blood sucking insects kept me busy swatting in self defense and also made me appreciate something that I had never thought of before.

What if jellyfish could fly?

Can you imagine if they were filled with a lighter than air gas (like helium) that would enable them to float on the air? Living dirigibles of death! Visualize a floating Man of War with silky electric tentacles drifting into you as you sun bathe in your yard, getting caught in your hair and sticking to your skin!

On one hand, they would be a wondrous sight to see. Imagine the luminescent ones glowing in the night like alien angels. Beautiful, but deadly.

Having pondered that, I feel fortunate now. All I have to worry about are the mosquito's and black flies. That's not too bad.

Therefore, the next time you find yourself running from a harmless bee or swatting an annoying fly, pause for a second to put things into perspective. It could be alot worse, but it's not.

Jellyfish can't fly!

Metamorphosis

I am flying out of the clouds.

Out of the black and into the blue.

Soaring above it all.
I didn't get my mind back as previously planned, instead it's free.
The transformation brought on by the cocoon of spring, a month of rain, and the space dust finally ran it's course.

Guided by The Beatles and T-Rex , the de-evolution included deletion of recent cultural influences from my brain and a hiatus from a long relationship with artificial stimuli.
Next was the physical change, to be made obvious by the removal of my long hair. Symbolically shedding my skin and flying.

On the simplistic wings of destiny.

Armed with Pistols , Nails, and Helmet.

I am free again.

Nirvana.
Ready to grow.

Rock.

I complete me.

Spiders from Mars

I hesitate to mention this. I don't want to sound paranoid or anything but I think my spiders are ganging up on me.
So far we have lived in relative harmony. I see them in all the corners of the castle and I let them be. I don't see any sense in killing them just because they're there. Yeah, so they can be a little creepy when they jump out in front of you on the bathroom sink, or hanging in front of your face as you walk into the bedroom, but hey, I'm willing to share my space. I also assume that we have common enemies of the annoying flys and mosquitoes and that my spiders are doing their best to keep these pests in line so that I am less bothered by them.
As of this morning I am suspicious that they are stepping out of their corners and feeding on me. Besides all the huge bite marks on my arms, legs, and elswheres, I found myself walking through spider webs that spanned my hallways and even across my living room. Now are these guys working overtime to keep up with the pest population or am I dinner?
I don't plan any rash retaliation yet. I am willing to lay low and let them work, as long as it's not on me. I will, however, have my guard up.
I may only have two eyes but they are open.
One spider looks at me sideways and it's...
Bam Bang, to the the Moon!

Dande's Inferno

If you've made it this far, you are almost out of the haunted forest and aproaching the castle. You're not out of the woods yet, though. You still have to get past my flying monkeys.
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

SPORE

Aliens are trying to take my body.
This happens every year around the same time. It must be the alignment of the planets or something.
It takes all of my energy to resist.
They come at night and try to poison me. Once I am completely sedated, they will assume control of my body and become a host. I can only thank my sleepless nights for surviving as long as I have.
Somehow, they spread a fine yellow dust all over my house and surrounding property. Sometimes in the morning, I can see clouds of it floating down out of the trees. My truck is covered with it. Do they think I don't notice?
The space dust dust gets into my immune system and shuts it down. I can feel it surging through my sinuses and throat.
I can't breathe without coughing, my nose won't stop running, my eyes are watery and I am overcome with fatigue.
If they have their way, I will drift into a dreamless sleep and awaken as one of them. A mindless zombie that drinks light beer and rents Ben Stiller movies.
Well not me, mister! I would rather die first!
I will fight for my planet and for all that is good!
Viva La Resistance!
Long Live Planet Dandy.

The Nothing

There is something really relaxing about doing nothing.
Doing nothing right is easy. To do nothing properly is an accomplishment.
I think that could be why I get up so early everyday. It gives me a few hours to do nothing before I go to work. If I have too much time to do nothing, inevitably, I will wait till the last minute and it's not as satisfying.
Doing nothing involves keeping your thoughts on the present. Not planning anything or thinking about what you will do, want to do, or should be doing. Simply being. Not doing.
The trick is to make yourself think that you are doing something without actually doing anything, and not thinking about what you are or are not doing.
I can spend three hours doing nothing before I go to work and be totally relaxed and feel like I've already accomplished enough, so the rest of the day I can feel mentally unchallenged.
I hate to be rushed. I have been rushed and hurried most of my life and only recently realized that I was the one rushing myself.
Many years ago, a former employer complimented me by saying that I have, "A sense of urgency to every thing that I do." I don't need that stress any more. I want to be the opposite of that. So what if I ain't doing much. Doing nothing means a lot to me.
With that thought, I have to go.
I have nothing to do and I am running out of time to do it.
If I waited till the last minute, I would have to rush.
--and that would be something!

Blood Sucking Freaks

It's not safe outside.

They are waiting for me.

Waiting for my blood.

I thought that if I was quick enough, I could do some work in my garden without being noticed.

I was quiet and discrete, staying close to the ground.

Wearing camouflaged coveralls and mask, I attempted invisibility.

That was vain.

They could smell my fear.

They crave the meat under my skin.

My meat is life to them and they devour it without hesitation.

I am cattle to their slaughter.

It is their purpose in life, their only thought, their passion, their job.

I managed to get my garden planted in short intervals.

I could only stand the attacks for so long before running back to the safety of my castle.

Summer is in bloom on my mountain top and I long for the peaceful walks through the forest.

That pleasure will have to wait awhile.

They are out there. Waiting for my blood.

In time, they will die.

Die from too short a lifespan? Die from lack of feeding?

I don't care as long as they die!

Then it will be my time. For now, it is their time.

The vampires of Maine.

The winged carnivours.

Oh, how I hate the Black Fly.

Daily Planet

Just a reminder.
Check out my PLAN3T DANDY xanga site too!

Purgatory

Spring usually makes me want to pick up and go. This year has been more like, get up and blah. The rain hasn't stopped for about three weeks. It is Memorial Day today, but still just another rainy day. I should be getting ready for work but here I sit, trying to coerce inspiration onto this page so that you, dear reader, don't think I died.

An ethereal fog shrouds my yard as I write this, or is it a low flying cloud? From where I am sitting I can see the princess sitting in the tall grass staring at the sounds that mice make. The mice are no doubt looking for breakfast as well. My trees are fully dressed now, in cloaks of green and red. Some wear flowers. Soon the edge of the forest will be carpeted with lush ferns. Then, suddenly, it will be summer. That is, if the sun ever comes out. The fog makes my world dream like.

I can also sense that a change is in the air for my being , as well. I can only wonder what it will be. I haven't touched alcohol in over a week. I want my body clean when it arrives. The change. I've also been listening to my old Beatle records again. They help unclutter my mind and take my thoughts back to simpler times, although, I know that there is no going back. My life seems to cycle in "ten year" increments. The change is due. Even a snake gets to shed it's skin and start fresh. It will be fun to fly out of the cloud and see the new horizon. Out of the fog and into the sun.

Out of my skin.

Flying.

Let it be.

The Downward Spiral

The plan was simple. Get in and Get out.
Unfortunately, it would not be that easy.
Too much anticipation had already numbed the excitement. And so it started, a day like any other day. Breakfast, dishes, vacuuming, television. Who would have thought that this was preparation for a road trip to see a Nine Inch Nails concert 400 miles away.
We thought it would be casual to leave around 11:00 a.m. and enjoy a leisurely 4 hour drive, arriving in Boston with 4 hours to spare to do the downtown thing, hang out, find a pub, and get psyched for the big show.
What we didn't anticipate was A tractor-trailer carrying 1,600 pounds of ammonium nitrate and blasting caps to overturn in the southbound lane of the Maine turnpike, paralyzing traffic for 13 miles. This happened around noon and we became hostages of a one mile stretch of the turnpike for over 3 hours, leaving just enough time to get to Boston for the 7:30 show.
We arrived in Boston around 6:30. According to our directions we were only a couple miles from the theater. Even with a map-quest route printed out in detail, we found ourselves immediately lost. Wicked lost. No clues. Driving aimlessly in circles around the heart of an all American(sic), non English speaking ghetto. Not one person could even point us toward the big evil highway 93 that we had strayed from on most likely an incorrect exit.
Further down the spiral. It's 7:00. I have no idea where we are. We're not going to make it!
We found ourselves accidentally crossing a huge bridge that would take us most assuredly to the wrong side of the river. Besides paying a whopping $6.00 toll to cross the bridge, I expected to have to pay again to get back to where we were so we could continue being lost where we started.
Things look up. The toll both operator reassured us that we were headed in the right direction and kindly gave some simple instructions to get us closer to our destination.
Whew! It's 7:15. We might just make it!
We found the theater district. Then we lost it. It's not my fault. Boston has some really messed up streets with no sense of direction. The street names change at intersections, streets suddenly turn into one way traffic coming toward you, and the usual logic of back tracking doesn't easily apply.
Yup, still lost. Even after finding the theatre around 7:45 it took another half hour to find a place to park. Finally, we are in the theatre at our assigned seats at 8:15. We catch the last 2 songs from the opening band.
We made it!
Basically, we have just enough time to take a couple breaths before Trent and his boys take the stage. All I can think of is, "I can't wait to get home!"
For the next hour and a half, though, It was bliss.
NINE_INCH_NAILS LIVE: WITH_TEETH_2005
They kicked serious ass, playing all my favorite tunes, old and new. [Click on comments for the set list.] Loud and Hard with no down time. The band was tight. The balcony was shaking, literally! (The Orpheum Theatre was built around 1850.) And the light show was intense!
But alas, it was over too soon.
Around 10:30 we were back at my truck. Trying to follow the reverse version of the directions that got us lost in the first place. We finally get on a familiar northbound highway at midnight. That was the most relief I felt all night, at least until around 4:15 when we finally arrived home. Planet Dandy.
I never went to bed. The sun was on the horizon and I was so relieved to be on my hilltop in the country that I couldn't have slept.
It's kind of funny. The deer were frolicking in my yard that morning. Chasing each other and rolling whimsically in the tall grass. A total contrast to the pounding techno metal noise of NIN and a somewhat ironic ending to the stressful adventure of the previous 20 hours.
I'm still trying to put it all into perspective. Like the over turned truck? It never even exploded. What a rip off!
But hey, I seen Nine Inch Nails, and now I'm back in the peaceful country side of Maine.
Closer to God.
I think that's pretty special!
Was it all worth it?
Would I do it again?
..."Hell Yeah!"

Sunspot Baby

Like a dust mop with feet, shirking her duties, she's grounded in the corner entertaining the sun.
"Shirk what?" She says nonchalantly. "I'm a cat. It's what I do."

A wisp of chimney smoke frolics outside my window like a lost spirit trying to find a home.

"I'm not lost." It says insouciantly. "It's what I do."

Why do I ponder minutiae and impose significance on the mundane? I ask myself ostentatiously.

"It's what I do."

Rainy Day Dream Away

"Rainy day rain all day

Ain't no use in gettin' uptight

Just let it groove its own way

Let it drain Your worries away

Lay back and groove on a rainy day

Lay back and dream on a rainy day"

---Jimi Hendrix

Perfect words for a perfect day. The weekend is upon me and it will rain all day today and tomorrow. It's darkly tranquil on my mountain top. The field is turning lush green. A hint of the summer that approaches and a fitting contrast to the charcoal skies above.The trees almost seem to form leaves as I watch. My world is in slow motion.

The fire in my woodstove is like the last breath of a dying friend whose company I will soon miss. For now, though, the comfort of the heat on a cold rainy day is a guilty pleasure.

Music assaults my senses from all directions as the trees outside slam dance to the wind.

The forest is alive.

Neither happy or angry.

Just moving.

Moshing.

[WITH_TEETH]